Just when we thought it couldn't get worse!

Yesterday, we had an ultrasound. It was actually a pretty quick one. They really just did the measurements of Samuel and the amniotic fluid. But, then we got more bad news. I have already mentioned that my stomach is HUGE, well, there is a reason for that. I have too much amniotic fluid. This is not a good thing. Now this puts me at risk. Before there was no added risk to me. Until now. Worst case scenario with this situation is that I would bleed profusely after delivery and that my uterus would not be able to contract back. Which in turn could mean blood transfusion and losing my uterus. The specialist mentioned again, "worst case scenario". I reminded him that we have ALL the worst case scenarios, so that really meant nothing to me. Yea. If it isn't one thing it is another. And another thing, Samuel's head is measuring at 41 weeks already. That is 9 weeks bigger than it should be. I still have 8 weeks to go (well maybe) and a baby's head that is continuing to grow. That puts me at an increased risk of a c-section.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that because I have too much amniotic fluid, I am at risk for preterm labor. I think my stress level has jumped a huge amount since yesterday. It was one thing to just have to think about Samuel, now that I have a major risk involved, ah. So much!!! Really? Can someone handle so much. Pray for us!

Big Belly, Big Belly, Big Belly

I put the title that way because my belly is HUGE. As of last week I was measuring 3 weeks bigger. Yikes! I am afraid of how big my belly is going to get. I can already barely fit through our back door. In my defense, it has a doggie door, which makes the entire entrance smaller. But honestly, Jeff said my stomach definitely sticks out more than it did with Dawson. I have to agree. I don't remember being this uncomfortable with Dawson. Samuel is just constantly in my rib. Bending down is becoming a challenge. EEk.

So, nighttime is being a dreaded part of my day. I wish I didn't have to sleep and that it would be light all day. Night is just evil. My thoughts just go crazy. I try to relax, but it is such a challenge. I bought some pillow spray that supposedly smells like warm milk and honey. It is suppose to help one relax. I like the smell, but it is not so much helping me feel asleep. I also bought an eye pillow that can be heated up or chilled. It feels pretty nice, but doesn't really help. Unfortunately the only thing that has seemed to work is taking a sleeping pill. I am still open to trying new things. I really hate having to take a pill to go to sleep, but after laying there for so long, one becomes desperate. Grrr.

The weeks are now only single digits away. I can feel my anxiety level rising. The anticipation is hard because it is so unknown. I just have to keep reminding myself, "this is for God's glory, this is for God's glory". I think as the time approaches I struggle more with the questions of God's plan. Just thinking of how it will all play out. Even when I pray I always first ask God for a miracle. In my mind asking for a miracle means completely healing Samuel-making him normal like Dawson was. Then I revert back to , "I mean, God, I ask for your will, whatever that may be". As much as I want God's will to happen, I still want my baby to be completely healed, but at the same time I want it to be God's plan and not mine. So complicated. Luckily I am not the one in control because I really don't know what is best.

It has been awhile!

Sorry it has been so long since I have updated. Anyway...so I am learning what Braxton Hicks contractions are-yippee. I didn't have any contractions with Dawson-that is until they induced me. Apparently these are very different. I have been consistently having them for the past 3 days now. It has made me really nervous. I went into the doctor today for some peace of mind. The doctor said everything was ok-I am not dilated at all. She said I should just take it easy-ha, that is funny. She said I should put my feet up, relax, and try not to pick up Dawson. Again, funny! I am glad for some peace of mind that these are not labor contractions. I have to admit that I fell apart at the doctors appointment. I was "waiting" (as you know always happens in a doctor's office) and I just started to breakdown. The poor doctor! She walked in and I just started crying. I was saying how I didn't want Samuel to come now because he wasn't ready. If he has any chance of survival he needs to stay in there longer. I was sobbing. Then I started crying because I said I felt fat and then...it was just one thing after another. I was a wreck. Poor doctor. She couldn't do anything until I calmed down. I am "one of those" who make everyone else have late appointments. Well, she was very sweet anyway and reassured me that for now I am not in labor. Whew! By the way she was not my normal doctor.

And on another note. Dawson has turned into a crazy 2.5 year old boy. He has started to talk back or rather repeat whatever I say. For example, I say "Dawson, if you do that again, I am going to put you in timeout.". Then he says (while gritting his teeth), "no, you go in timeout.". Wow! I didn't know 2.5 year olds were like this. I can feel my blood pressure rise when he does this. I think he knows it pushes my button. Again, only 2.5, and he knows how to push my buttons. He is also been like an energizer bunny lately. I need a nap everyday, he somehow doesn't need one. We went to the zoo the other day for 3.5 hours. He didn't even ride in the stroller. He either ran or walked the entire zoo, but still not even for a nap. I wish had his energy-which I am sure a lot of us do.

Again, I want to thank everyone for being so amazing! I can't believe how much I have seen God through this whole situation. We have been blessed beyond belief! I think one of the most amazing things I have seen is God's provision financially. Wow! I am really in awe at how God has used his people to help provide for us. Thank you God. It is so wonderful to have such amazing support from our brothers and sisters in Christ. God's family truly is wonderful and real. I know I use the word amazing a lot, but it is an amazing word!

Doctor Appt today- a glimpse of hope!

Today Dawson and I went to my OB appt. Just a regular check-up, but I felt some sense of hope at the visit. The doctor said she had talked with the neonatologist after we met with her. My OB just basically said, "hey, it could be better than we think". I don't think she was trying to give us false hope, but just helping us to realize that Samuel may want to survive against the odds that seem so apparent. So, it actually wasn't such a bad thing to go to the doctor today-finally! It was just a slight sense of encouragement, just enough. Although, at the same time, I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that if Samuel does survive, he will would be special needs-to the extreme. Don't get me wrong-I want Samuel to survive, I just know that it will present challenges in our lives that, of course, we were never anticipating. But does anyone really expect that things will go "normal" all the time? No, I don't think so...it is just an adjustment to the lives that WE had planned out-not GOD.

And on a cute note. When we were at the doctor's office today, Dawson brought his doctor's kit. He was checking me out before the doctor got in. He made sure my heart was ok. Then he check my reflexes (ouch, he doesn't quite understand gentle). The entire time I was talking with the doctor, he was giving me shots. It was so cute!

How Blessed!

Just a couple of things: First, I just want to tell everyone THANK YOU! We are have been showered with so many blessing in so many ways. I can't tell you how much it means just to know that our story is being spread and we are being bathed in prayer. I have to say that we can feel His presence during this difficult time. This makes me more and more encouraged of the goodness of man. I have been learning so many things about God and about people through this experience. I feel my heart has changed for others through this and that I personally am more sympathetic to others in so many ways. As I know you all are-just keep praying. Pray big because God is big.

And another thing:
Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him

Visit with Neonatologist

On thursday, we met with the neonatologist. We weren't really sure what to expect when meeting her, but I think we were hoping for something (even though I am not really sure what that something was). Well, she didn't have much to tell us except "I can tell you when I meet Samuel". Gee, thanks. So, you are saying you don't know. Again, I guess it wasn't surprising, but .... There were a couple good things that came out of our conversation with her. Firstly, I have to admit she was super nice. When I asked her if she had dealt with a baby with similar anomalities, she assured us she had (Encouraging!). When I asked the outcome, she said she saw it both ways-as in the baby not making it and then the baby surviving. She also said that technology is not perfect and that doctors have been wrong. She said sometimes the outcome is worse than we may expect, but sometimes it was better. I think she has been the only person to give us some sliver of hope...that maybe Samuel has some chance (maybe small, but some). I don't feel like she was misleading us or giving us false hope, just letting us know that she has seen it both ways and that ultimately we will know when we meet Samuel. It was also encouraging to know that she will be ready for us and will be there when Samuel is delivered. Once Samuel is delivered-she takes over. Again, we won't know what type of care he will need until then. But, we can think of maybe some things we may want for Samuel and some things we may not want for Samuel. I guess we will just cross that bridge when it comes, but we really can't decide now... So, for now, we will just try to enjoy the pregnancy and love on Samuel.

I hope soon to put new pictures up. I am still figuring out this blog thing.

It has been harder lately.

The past week has been a little harder for me. I think it is with the changing weather. As I see summer fading away, I get closer to the reality of Samuel's arrival. I am so fearful of the unknown. I just wish the doctors could give me something, but at this point it is just, " I am not really sure what to expect". Again, I try to take it one day at a time. The days have been a little easier than the nights. At least during the day I stay busy-running around doing anything I can think of with Dawson, then taking a nap with him. Naps are such a wonderful thing, especially with my baby. I know these moments with Dawson will only be temporary. Dawson and I sometimes literally just walk around Target (or Walmart) just because I don't want to go home or it makes me do some mindless activity. Dawson quite enjoys it, because we explore the toy the toy section for quite some time. Only problem is-he wants EVERY toy or rather he says he "needs" it. Anyway, nights have been extremely difficult. I have been lying in bed just thinking...thinking of all the plans I had for Samuel and our family. Pondering how Dawson would adjust to be being a big brother. Thinking of our daily lives changing. what I was going to do with the nursery. Yikes. It is so easy to let the mind get out of control. Many nights I have laid there for hours-at last, finally giving my brain a break. Despite this, I still have peace. I am not sure what the peace is in regards to-I guess the situation as a whole-just trusting that God has to be bigger. I have some what put God on the back burner for right now. Not that I am not trusting him or relying on him, but just trying to grasp some things in my head before I go to the Creator. I know he is there when I need Him. Right now, I am just hanging in there-one day at a time.