Well, we are back from Florida. It was a great trip, but I am glad to be in my own bed. Dawson was so cute. He fell asleep on our second flight. When he woke up at home in his bed he very excitedly said, "we're home!". He was glad to see all his toys and have his yogurt. He woke up this morning on eastern time-at 6am. I tried to convince him that it wasn't day and that he needed to go back to bed. Not so lucky!
So, being back has been really hard for me. Every time I walk into the living room, my heart breaks. I can't stop picturing Samuel lying there, lifeless, on that floor. Oh my heart just aches. I have never felt so much sadness and pain in my entire life and I don't think I ever will. Last night I just keep kissing his picture on the wall. My sweet baby, oh my sweet baby, how I miss him. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hold his picture tight. When I went to bed last night I was still crying and it woke Dawson up. Dawson just hugged me and rubbed my head while saying over and over again, "it's ok mom, it's ok, don't cry, it's ok". What a sweet child! I love how God is using Dawson to help comfort me. Man, this sucks. I have really been struggling lately with being angry with God. I am not angry...as in not wanting to have a relationship with Him, but mad that this had to happen...even though I know He is using it...oh...so many mixed emotions....
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7 comments:
You are going through the grief process and anger is one of the biggest issues for some of us. It was for me. Allow yourself to be angry for a while. In time, anger will turn to other emotions and you will go through all the stages of grief.
In time you will possibly see some good coming out of this experience but it's not something you will see for quite a while yet.
Don't allow guilt to rear its ugly head because that will really confuse the issue but there is always the thought that we should have done something different. But what could you have done differently? You are human and we can't do everything. That is God's department.
I pray that God's promises comfort you during your suffering. I know that God loves your family so much and He understands your sorrows. I can't even imagine what you are feeling, so I will just continue to lift you up in prayer.
I just want you to know that I am still lifting you & your family up to God. I pray for your peace & for joy to return to you.
Gail Estes
Kristy:
All that you are feeling is part of the natural grieving process. You have to give yourself time. Let Dawson and Jeff comfort you, take time to yourself, whatever you need to do. It is all normal. we are all still praying for you guys. It will take a long time, but it will get easier. We all love you.
Tina
I am continually praying for you! I wanted to let you both know that I got chills in the last blog when you were talking about how God was going to have you all do something with this, that you couldn't just go back to living normally. I'm excited to see how he continues to use your story! Let me know if you all ever need anything!
When you lose a spouse, you are a widow. When you lose a parent, you are an orphan. There is not a word for losing a child because the pain is indescribable.
Praying for you, friend. I love you.
"I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!" Isaiah 65:24 NLT
Praying for you all!
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