Poem

Mommy please don't look so sad
Momma please don't cry
'cause I'm in the arms of Jesus
Please try not to question God,
don't think He is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and
then simply changed His mind.
You see I am a special child
and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him
a product of His love.
I'll always be there with you,
so watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's
gleaming, it's my halo's brillant
light! So Mommy please don't
look so sad, Mommy don't cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus Christ
singing lullabies.

-author unknown

Sad.

Well, I know I am not so good at keeping up with my blog anymore, but it has been hard. I miss Samuel so much! Everytime I picture his sweet little face I just start crying. I still want to make sense of why he had to die. Grrr. When I am ready I will ask God to tell me. I feel that it is okay to ask God why. God can handle my questions.

Anyway, the other day I stopped by Samuel's grave site. We don't have a stone yet (but we did just order it last week). All that is there is a small rectangular dirt spot. Even though I know that it is just his body and that he is not there anymore, I just cried a lot. Dawson was in the car ( he didn't need to get out). But when I got back in the car, Dawson asked if I was sad. I told him that I just miss Samuel. Of course, Dawson being the sweet little boy that he is, told me "it will be ok mom". Then he preceded to tell me that he would go get Samuel with his super-fast wings. Almost everyday Dawson talks about going to go get Samuel. The other day he told me we needed to go to Target so he could buy some wings. That same day he told me that Samuel was playing with Jesus. What a beautiful picture that paints for me.

Ok. Well, just continue to pray for us. Pray for understanding, pray for peace, pray for unity, pray for healing, pray for direction.

Also, thank you for those of you who have donated. We aren't able to see who is donating, but money as been put in ...so thank you. I wish I knew who you all are. May the Lord bless you for your generosity.

Just Here

I know it has a been awhile since I last updated, but this will be short. It is late and I am exhausted. I will get better at writing again...soon. We are surviving. We are taking each day, one at a time (what we are suppose to do anyway).

I just want to tell you a little story about Dawson (that kid is amazing). Dawson frequently talks about Samuel. I love it! But the other day, he made my heart melt. This is our conversation:

Dawson: I am going to go get Samuel.
Me: Do you know where Samuel is?
Dawson: With Jesus.
Me: How are you going to get him?
Dawson: I have super-fast wings to go get him.

Again, today he said he was going to go get Samuel. But this time we were in the car. He pretended to put on his wings and then told me that I needed to unbuckle him so he could fly. He started flapping his "wings" in the car and saying "flap, flap, flappin'". Man, I wish I could be as innocent and opened as he is. I pray that the world doesn't take this away from him.

The Tears Will Fall Down

Well, we are back from Florida. It was a great trip, but I am glad to be in my own bed. Dawson was so cute. He fell asleep on our second flight. When he woke up at home in his bed he very excitedly said, "we're home!". He was glad to see all his toys and have his yogurt. He woke up this morning on eastern time-at 6am. I tried to convince him that it wasn't day and that he needed to go back to bed. Not so lucky!
So, being back has been really hard for me. Every time I walk into the living room, my heart breaks. I can't stop picturing Samuel lying there, lifeless, on that floor. Oh my heart just aches. I have never felt so much sadness and pain in my entire life and I don't think I ever will. Last night I just keep kissing his picture on the wall. My sweet baby, oh my sweet baby, how I miss him. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hold his picture tight. When I went to bed last night I was still crying and it woke Dawson up. Dawson just hugged me and rubbed my head while saying over and over again, "it's ok mom, it's ok, don't cry, it's ok". What a sweet child! I love how God is using Dawson to help comfort me. Man, this sucks. I have really been struggling lately with being angry with God. I am not angry...as in not wanting to have a relationship with Him, but mad that this had to happen...even though I know He is using it...oh...so many mixed emotions....

Florida.

Well, we have been busy here in the sunny state of Florida. Today was a gorgeous day! The other days have not been that great, but who cares...we are here together as a family and that is what matters. We went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, downtown Disney, and a helicopter ride in Orlando. What a great time! Dawson is being such a little champ. Today we chilled at camp and went to the park with a lot of kids of camp staff. It truly was a great day. It is nice to be here with old friends.
This trip has been great so far. It is nice to be away together and have a free agenda. Although we are having a great time, I think I have thought of Samuel even more than ever. Everything is just so surreal. I just can't believe how dramatically our lives changed in one day...in 10 weeks. I feel like we need to do something with this experience that God has chosen us to endure. I am not quite sure what that means, but I feel like we can't go living our lives like we were before. Big things are going to happen.
Samuel's life has changed a lot of people's lives-especially our life. What a blessing he was and continues to be! His life was short but precious beyond belief. So many things we take for granted-like our next breath, tomorrow, each moment. We just never know we will leave this life here on earth or when anyone around will either. I feel like I understand more the saying, "make the most of every opportunity". For, we are not God, and therefore need to stop living like we are. I have also realized that so many things I once thought were important in life...well, frankly they just aren't anymore. I think my spirit has been softened. I have learned to see good in others FIRST. I understand more what it means to be "surrounded by a fellowship of believers". "Peace that transcends all understanding" has taken on a new meaning...wow! There is just so much I personally have learned (so much more than I have said) and that I will continue to learn. But I think the thing that surpasses all is that God is good and He is in control. Thank goodness I don't have to be in control-that would be way too much handle.

Here we come Florida!

So, we are off to Florida tomorrow. Jeff already to be down there for work next week, so we decided to take a family vacation and go down early. It has been a long year. I think it will be good to get away. Pray for our safety and for a time of healing and renewing. Dawson is really excited to see Mickey and go swimming.

Donations: US Bank

OK... so we have set up a memorial fund through US Bank. For whatever reason, it has been a little more complicated than expected.

It is under the name: Samuel A. Rowbotham Memorial Fund

Apparently you can only donate by going into the bank....

But...if you don't have a US Bank, you can mail a check to my mom's address with "Samuel A. Rowbotham Memorial Fund" written on it. It seems technology has only come so far. She will then deposit the money into the account.... I am not sure this is the best option yet (if you don't have a US Bank) so I will work on a better plan. Feel free to give me suggestions. Otherwise, you can mail check to my mom...just email me if you want to do that and I will give you her address. You can email me at: rowbothamkristy@gmail.com and please put "donation for samuel" in the subject. OK. Thanks.

Sorry so complicated.