Some good and some ok

This is Kristy. So, some days are good and some days are just ok. Today was ok at first, then turned out to be much better. When I went to the hospital this morning, Samuel was very "out of it". I asked the nurse on duty why he was so sleepy and she said the night time nurse gave him a valium every 2 hours. I was furious! He doesn't need it that often...maybe every 6 hours, but not every 2! Stuff is now starting to get harder-emotionally. I want to be able to trust the nurses and feel confident that they are doing the job they are suppose to...but frankly I don't always feel that way...and it is very unsettling. I just feel that some nurses depersonalize too much and lose that caring, nurturing attitude. It is hard not to be bitter or frustrated. Please pray that I can be an advocate for Samuel and stand out and say things when necessary. Anyway, this morning Samuel needed a lot of care-he needed an IV removed, a new one put in, and just a lot of other care. Needless to say, Samuel didn't like all this, and was very frustrated. It was so hard for me to see him that way. I can't hold him, I can't hear him cry, I can try to calm him, but it is hard to do...I struggle because I feel like I can't be his mother the way I want to be. So, I had to leave and take a walk. I needed to cool down. My emotions are high and it hurts so badly to see my little beautiful baby that way. But... when I came back, he was so cute. As soon as I walked in, he opened his little precious eye and looked at me. He just locked eyes with me. I held his teeny hands and just talked to him and stared right back at him. I thanked God for a wonderful moment with Samuel. I needed a moment of encouragement and God gave it to me-he knew just what I needed. So, I left after 7 hours at the hospital, with a renewed spirit of hope.