Oct. 24th-Samuel's First Birthday

Well, I have to say that Samuel's birthday was a lot harder than I anticipated. It wasn't that I expected it to be "easy", just not as hard. In all honesty, I had initially wanted to have a party, a celebration of life-have people over, eat cake, and just talk about Samuel. But, when that day came, it was completely the opposite. Instead all I wanted to be was be grumpy, take it out on Jeff and Dawson, and just be plan pissy to the world. Grrrr.

That morning we took Dawson to the doctor because of his awful cough that he gets so frequently (everything was fine, but just wanted to make sure). Then we went out to lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings (yummy). After that we ran some errands-ending with picking out pumpkins. As a family we carved the pumpkins-quietly. Dawson literally carved his pumpkin all by himself-it was adorable. I really should post a picture of it. Since it was a nice day, we decided to go for a family walk-didn't turn out so good. All I could do was complain about everything. Finally, Jeff said "why don't you just go home". Yikes. I said some choice words to him and stormed off.

As I made it home to my lonesome house, I locked myself in Samuel's room and pulled out all his stuff and just sobbed. I looked at pictures, held his little clothes, and rubbed his hand and foot mold. It felt good to release. I cried so hard I almost threw up. After awhile Jeff and Dawson came home. Jeff came upstairs and just held me. This is exactly what I needed.
To the end the night we went to church and the sermon was about worship in heaven. Coincidence? I don't think. It completed a day in just the way we needed it to end.