My Hope is in You, LORD.

Quilt Square

2010-05-12T10:21:00.000-07:00

This is a Quilt Square I made for Organ Donor Alliance. They are putting all the squares together to make a quilt in memory of those who donated organs.

Missing you Sweet Samuel

2010-04-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

Dear Samuel,

Today I was reminded of you and your amazing journey. You weren't suppose to make it, but you did. You surpassed all odds and graced us with your sweetness for 10 weeks. You were such a fighter and I miss you so much. Although I know that you are in heaven, rejoicing with Jesus, I still want to hold you. But I cling to the knowledge and truth that I will see you again. You have a little sister now. Her name is Sawyer. I see your face in her. It makes me smile and cry. I have often called her Samuel-to other people and when I talk to you. I miss you sweet boy. Thank you for being so strong. Thank you for teaching us so much about life in such a short amount of time. I love you baby.

2010-04-08T08:35:00.000-07:00

She is Here!

2010-03-13T08:09:00.000-08:00

Everyone we had our precious baby girl on March 10th at 7:25am. She was 6lb 9oz, 19 inches. Sawyer Hope Rowbotham. We are home now and doing well. She is nursing like a champ and has been a great sleeper. On Thursday she slept 5 hours doing the night. I actually woke her up to nurse her! Her demeanor is so chill and calm. I am recovering from my c-section slowly, but surely. Thank goodness my mom is here to help. She came to rescue us. I know each day I will slowly get better. I feel so much better that she is out now. I have relaxed and am feeling a little more normal.

Also, my brother and his wife are in Ethiopia right now. They have their baby boys. It is hard to talk with them, but they are doing well. They are trying to get sleep whenever the boys are sleeping. We are so eager to meet the little ones. What a blessing! We have been blessed with 3 little ones within 2 days. Thanks God!!

Wednesday, March 10th

2010-03-08T14:08:00.000-08:00

We will be having our c-section on Wednesday, March 10th at 7am!!! Praise Jesus! We are so excited and eager to meet our new little one. Pray for the surgery, a healthy baby, a quick recovery, and that Dawson is excited.

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

2010-03-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well, on Monday I go in for yet another appointment. The doctor's office is being my favorite place...not! But this MOnday may just be my favorite place. As long as my blood pressure is elevated, then my doctor will schedule me for a c-section that week. And well it has been elevated everytime, so I don't see why it wouldn't be. So, we will be having our baby next week. Just a little earlier than the 15th. Praise God! We are so excited and anxious. I can't wait to meet this baby. Please pray for guidance for a name...poor kiddo is nameless so far. Okay.

Oh and maybe we will have a male lactation consultant help us out.(Hopefully some of you will get this joke :))

Weekly Doctor Appt.

2010-03-01T15:47:00.000-08:00

I had my doctor appt today and found out a few things:

1. I have bronchitis (yippee) and he gave me an antibiotic.
2. I have a yeast infection on my arm (sounds gross, just looks like a rough patch of skin, just fungal) and he gave me a script for that too.
3. I am 100% effaced and dilated at the size of a pinky. This means that my cervix is ripe and that I could go at anytime....literally. He doesn't expect me to last until the 15th, pretty positive.
4. My BP was really high (highest it has ever been), gained 5lbs (b/c I am retaining water), and am having edema (dimpling of skin, sign of retaining water). So, I have to go back to doctor on Wednesday. If things haven't improved, then he will go ahead and do c-section by Friday or early next week. YIkes.
5. I am now on strict bedrest, so I really can't do anything but lay here. My mom is changing her flight and coming out Wednesday. That will be helpful.

So, please pray this baby comes soon. We are ready, and even more ready now.

Getting Closer

2010-02-27T08:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I can't believe it. Two weeks from Monday we will meet our little baby (unless she/he decides to come earlier). I have to say the last week has been miserable. I feel awful to being so negative, but man I feel like everything is just falling about. First off, Dawson had a terrible cough and that was no fun, then I got it (I swear twice as bad as he did). Then I am officially off my zoloft. I went off of it, to make sure that the baby doesn't go through withdrawl. I feel like a crazy person. Not to mention that my mom's heart results came back and her heart didn't improve with medicine...now she has to get a defibrillator. And then I am suppose to be only doing the "essentials". Ahhh. It has just been crazy emotionally for me. I know that it will get better, I just feel so overwhelmed. I know, I am just complaining.

But on a positive note. My brother and his sweet wife Katie are leaving March 10th to go to Ethiopia to pick up twin boys. Kaiden and Kamden. What a blessing! They were born October 30th, 2009.

It has been a long time.

2010-01-30T20:19:00.001-08:00

I know it has been a long time since I have written. It has been a long road. It has officially been over 1 year since everything was happened. As much as I miss sweet Samuel, I am so thankful that he is free and with Jesus. His life served so many purposes, some of which people have shared. This year is going to be a good year. I have so much joy with the anticipation of our new little one arriving. March 21st is not far away! Not only do I have joy with our little one coming, but I am an aunt and will be an aunt again in March! Jeff's brother and wife had a little baby named Eli Samuel. And my brother and his wife will be adopting twin boys from Ethiopia (hopefully being able to go get them by March). So praise Jesus!

On another note...I miss needing God the way I needed Him before.

Merry Christmas my sweet Samuel!

2009-12-24T05:54:00.000-08:00

This year has definitely been hard. I have to say that I feel so blessed that I was able have sweet Samuel at home last year for Christmas. But, I am so sad that I don't get to spend it with him this year. I miss my sweet baby so much, but rejoice that he is no longer suffering and that he is spending his days with Jesus! Speaking of, Happy Birthday Jesus! Dawson always makes things a little easier, I must say. Everytime we read the Christmas Story or he sees a picture of baby Jesus, Dawson says, "Baby Samuel". I try to correct him, but it almost just seems right. Samuel is with Jesus right now and it is almost as if we all got to see a bit of Jesus through the face of that sweet baby Samuel. It brings smiles to my heart. And again, although I am joyful with the season, I also find myself being angry and extremely heartbroken-all of which I know is normal. At the same time-I have so much to look forward to- another sweet gift from God. Dawson has given the new baby a name, "Jacob Samuel". (We aren't going with that name, but it is sweet anyway and we don't know if it is a boy or girl.)

Oct. 24th-Samuel's First Birthday

2009-11-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

Well, I have to say that Samuel's birthday was a lot harder than I anticipated. It wasn't that I expected it to be "easy", just not as hard. In all honesty, I had initially wanted to have a party, a celebration of life-have people over, eat cake, and just talk about Samuel. But, when that day came, it was completely the opposite. Instead all I wanted to be was be grumpy, take it out on Jeff and Dawson, and just be plan pissy to the world. Grrrr.

That morning we took Dawson to the doctor because of his awful cough that he gets so frequently (everything was fine, but just wanted to make sure). Then we went out to lunch at Buffalo Wild Wings (yummy). After that we ran some errands-ending with picking out pumpkins. As a family we carved the pumpkins-quietly. Dawson literally carved his pumpkin all by himself-it was adorable. I really should post a picture of it. Since it was a nice day, we decided to go for a family walk-didn't turn out so good. All I could do was complain about everything. Finally, Jeff said "why don't you just go home". Yikes. I said some choice words to him and stormed off.

As I made it home to my lonesome house, I locked myself in Samuel's room and pulled out all his stuff and just sobbed. I looked at pictures, held his little clothes, and rubbed his hand and foot mold. It felt good to release. I cried so hard I almost threw up. After awhile Jeff and Dawson came home. Jeff came upstairs and just held me. This is exactly what I needed.
To the end the night we went to church and the sermon was about worship in heaven. Coincidence? I don't think. It completed a day in just the way we needed it to end.

Happy Birthday Our Sweet Samuel!

2009-10-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

Our baby is Perfect!

2009-10-23T14:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone! We had our ultrasound this morning. Praise Jesus! Everything went perfect and they said everything was normal. Oh wow! What a blessing!!! Praise God, Praise God. I can't tell you the stress that left my body when I heard those words come out of the doctor's mouth. Whew. At last, I can relax and sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a better day. It is almost as if the news was a gift from sweet Samuel, letting mommy know that everything is okay. Lots of smiles today.
Pictures to come!

Big Ultrasound Scheduled

2009-10-05T17:55:00.000-07:00

Well, we have a date for our BIG ultrasound. It is Oct. 23rd at 10:15am. Please pray for us on that day.

Samuel's Birthday is coming up.

2009-10-01T13:44:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone. Well, Samuel's birthday is coming up on Oct. 24th. What a beautiful life that was born that day! We aren't quite sure what we are going to do yet as a family to celebrate his birth, but we have an idea of something that you all could help us out with. So, if Samuel's life touched you or someone you know in anyone way, we want to know. We would love if you would send us a letter or quick note in the mail to let us know how Samuel's life changed another life. I think this would help us to see just how much his little, precious life made such a big impact. Please pass this on to anyone who knows our story. Thank you. You can mail it to our home address at:

Rowbotham
5345 Red Heather Ct
Colorado Springs, CO 80915

A Little Scare!

2009-09-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

So, not that I wasn't a little anxious anyway, but yesterday I started bleeding. It was pinkish and then turned brown....(I know, too much information. Just being real). But too much for my comfort, for sure! So, of course I called the doctor that morning (at first sight of the blood), but couldn't get an appointment until 2:30. Yikes. Luckily I was with my friend Suzy...so I could keep my mind busy talking about other things..... Well, we decided to go back to the house and use the fetal doppler I rented (so glad I did!!). I told my friend- So, if I don't hear a heartbeat, prepare yourself for a freak-out. If I hear the heartbeat, then I will relax, but still be concerned about the bleeding. Ah....a heartbeat! Thank you God I heard the heartbeat. So, I rested assured that the baby was safe....just needed to find a cause.
Well, I chilled with Dawson on the couch until my appointment came. We watched Dumbo and some other movie (must have been one I have seen a thousand times, so I spaced out). So...at the appointment.... The doctor walks in and I start telling him what is going on. Then he responds with a "game plan" of how we will find out what is going on.... And wait....then the chick at the front desk comes in and says-"you are needed stat at the hospital for a c-section". So, he literally runs out the door and tells me sorry and to come back in an hour. Ok! So...I take a deep breath, try not to freak, then calmly leave and tell the front desk I will be back in an hour. Anyway...so I drive around aimlessly, stop at the library and realize God is just telling me, "kristy, chill, it is just fine". And of course, God was right. I went back in for my appointment to find out, through a little exploration, the doctor says I have a low-lying placenta. Ah. Great! (not sarcasim). He just said when my uterus is growing and everything is pulling up...it typically causes bleeding, but b/c my placenta is low, the blood escapes instead of being absorbed. Makes sense. He just told me to be prepared....I may bleed again...but that the placenta should eventually move up higher and not be any issue at all. Ok. Thanks God! So simple!

13 week appt.

2009-09-16T15:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my 13 week appt (well, I am going every month...so, just so happen to be on the 13th week). I have to say I feel like I am a lot further along than 13 weeks (just because I have had so many appts already). Well, in 5 weeks I go to the fetal/maternal specialist for the extra high-tech ultrasound. I am ready for it and feel good about. Otherwise the appointment went fine. Heard the heartbeat on fetal doppler. The doctor gave me some Zofran for nausea. Thank goodness! Not sure why I didn't bring it up before (you know the dry heaves (sp?) all the time).

I will keep you all updated as we continue our journey.

Note on Dawson: Today we were driving and saw an ambulance. I told Dawson that we should pray for the drivers and people involved (in whatever happened). I prayed and then Daws says, "mom, we just need to ask God to send the angels down to protect them. And if they are scared, the angels will come help them" I love HIM! So precious, So simple. Just like God intended. He makes me smile ALOT.

Oh baby!

2009-09-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

Oh. This baby is making me so sick. It isn't just morning sickness, but ALL day sickness. Yuck. I constantly feel like I am going to puke. Although I am glad that I am sick (it makes me feel like things are "working"), a little break would be nice. Well, hopefully soon... But like I said before, I feel like everything is going to be alright.

Hope is....We are pregnant!

2009-08-23T08:17:00.001-07:00

We are 10 weeks preggo. Had an ultrasound last week and everything looked as it should. Saw baby moving and heard and saw heartbeat. Please pray for us. We obviously are scared out of our minds, but also hopeful that everything will be normal.

HOPE

2009-07-20T09:43:00.001-07:00

I could never give up HOPE. HOPE is what drives me each day. HOPE has endless possibilities and endless dreams. HOPE is believing that the impossible is possible. HOPE is....

:) and :(

2009-06-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

Just missing my precious baby today. But I smile because I know you are in the arms of Jesus.

Be Still and Know that HE IS GOD

2009-05-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

Passage from Streams in the Desert by: L.B. Cowman (thanks Jenna!)

That is all God asks of you as His dear child. When you become weak through the fierce fires of affliction, do not try to "be strong." Just "be still, and know that [He is] God." And know that he will sustain you and bring you through the fire.

Be strong, He has not failed you

In all the past,

And will He go and leave you

To sink at last?

No, He said He will hide you

Beneath His wing;

And sweetly there in safety

You then may sing.

Precious thoughts from a 3 year old

2009-05-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Man, Dawson really knows how to make me smile and cry at the same time. On Monday night we were putting him to bed, doing our daily prayers and Dawson asks, "mommy, why did Jesus have to take Samuel". Whoa... nothing like taking me off guard. That was a hard question to answer and one I sometimes struggle with as well. But, I told Dawson that Jesus just needed Samuel. And that Samuel was only meant to be here on earth for a short amount of time and his job is done. Samuel's short lived touched many. I told him we may not understand everything, but that is ok, because he is with Jesus and one day we will see him again! Of course I don't know how much Dawson understood of that, but hopefully one day he will. So, then Dawson said, "I want another baby". That made me giggle. How sweet and innocent he is!

Restoration will come!

2009-05-03T15:35:00.001-07:00

6 months old

2009-04-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

On the 24th, Samuel would have been 6 months. I can only wonder what it would have been like. It makes me sad. Today, I am going to go for a drive just to think. I feel like since Samuel's birth and death I haven't had any time by myself to just think. Hopefully this will be a good thing, not a bad thing. I just need some time to process. Hopefully I will run into some pretty things on my journey today. Pray for safety as I drive aimlessly (with my GPS).

A Sad Day for Me, A Joyous Day for Others

2009-04-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

Well, today we got a letter in the mail from Donor Alliance. It was a confirmation letter that Samuel's heart valves were used for 2 children. Little Samuel's life helped to save 2 other children. Praise Jesus! I am very happy for those children and their families, just sad that it confirms that Samuel is actually dead. My heart is breaking. After receiving the letter, I went upstairs with Dawson and looked at pictures of Samuel. I was sobbing and Dawson was saying, "it's ok sweetie, do you want to lay down sweetie?". He is really a sweet kid. After I calmed down, I have just been "here"-I am sure we all have had days like that, maybe for different reasons though.

Dancing with Jesus

2009-04-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Oh my sweet Samuel
I know you are dancing with Jesus
but how I miss your smiling face.
If only I could get a glimpse-
just a tiny slice of heaven.
I know you are better,
no more tubes, no more pain, finally freedom.
If only I could've held you a little longer,
but I rest assured knowing I'll see you again.
Oh my sweet Samuel

I want to Praise You, Lord, Every Season of MY soul

2009-04-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Let everything that,

everything that

Everything that

has breath praise the Lord

Praise You in the morning

Praise You in the evening

Praise You when I'm young

and when I'm old

Praise You whem I'm laughing

Praise You when I'm grieving

Praise You every

season of the soul

If we could see

how much You're worth

Your power,Your might,

Your endless love

Then surely we would

never cease to praise

Let everything that,

everything that

Everything that

has breath praise the Lord

Let everything that,

everything that

Everything that

has breath praise the Lord

Praise You in the heavens

Join with the angels

Praising You forever and a day

Praise You on the earth now

Join with creation

Calling all the nations to Your praise

Praise You in the morning

Praise You in the eveningPraise

You when I'm young

and when I'm old

Praise You whem I'm laughing

Praise You when I'm grieving

Praise You every

season of the soul

If we could see

how much You're worth

Your power,Your might,

Your endless love

Then surely they would

never cease to praise

Let everything that,

everything that

Everything that

has breath praise the Lord

Let everything that,

everything that

Everything that

has breath praise the Lord

Back in Good ole Colorado.

2009-04-04T07:50:00.000-07:00

Well, we definitely had a wonderful trip in Cincy. I had a surprise b-day party for Jeff-boy was he shocked! I wish everyone could have see his face. There were probably about 60 family and friends. It was so great to see everyone. We keep very busy while in Cincy. We visited with a lot of people. I think everyone should move here. Colorado is so much prettier. Sorry Cincy.

We are still just hanging in there. I feel like our conversations about Samuel are less frequent, but Dawson still mentions Samuel at least once per day. Dawson prays for Samuel every night. If he only understood that Samuel is finally free and doesn't need our prayers. Samuel has had the ultimate prayer request met-meeting Jesus. Not to say that selfishly I want him back. I can still picture him in my head making his little adorable faces and smiling back at me. What a sweet, precious little boy. I miss him so much. It is still just so surreal that I had a baby, but now he is gone. The other day I was filling out paperwork and I had to put down the name of my children. Oh, my heart hurt really bad at that moment.

Ok. Well, that is just a quick update. Please pray for guidance in our lives now. I feel like I just don't know what to do with myself or what direction our family needs to go. Thank you all!

Here we come Cincy!

2009-03-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

Dawson and I are off to Cincinnati this morning. Please pray for safe travels and especially a time of rejuvenation!

Blah.

2009-03-12T21:40:00.000-07:00

Life is just plain sucking right now. I find it hard to be motivated to do anything. I miss Samuel so much. My heart just feels like it has been ripped out of my chest and still has yet to return. I feel like I am such a runt-it sucks. I know that this is part of the process of grieving and healing, but I hate it. I miss the joy in my life. I pray that the joy will be restored to my life. I want to be able to use this experience to glorify God, but am struggling to make it each day. I am not taking care of my body, my spirit, or my mind and therefore others (mainly Jeff and Dawson) are suffering for it. God, please help me!

Another week

2009-03-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

Well, Dawson is doing better. He still has a cough, but he doesn't sound like a seal and he can breathe now. Hopefully the cough will go away soon. We will take him to the chiropractor tomorrow...maybe that will help.

This weekend we had a birthday party for Jeff. He turns 30 on Monday. Whoo hoo! It was a great time hanging out with friends and our colorado family (neighbors :) ). We had Skyline Chili (a cincinnati favorite). Yummy. Then afterwards we played Catchphrase. Good times. I have to say we needed a good night like that. Thanks everyone.

We got a seal in the house!

2009-03-02T07:56:00.000-08:00

I am telling you all-if it is not one thing, it's another. So, last night, we almost had to take Dawson to the ER. He hasn't been feeling so good lately. But last night when he fell asleep, he sounded really raspy. At one point he woke up and started crying and was literally gasping for air. He was really having a hard time catching his breath. Then he threw-up. Anyway, we called the doctor on-call and she said it sounded like croup. Croup is a virus that affects the vocal chords and causes swelling in the airway. Yippee...just what we need. Well, she suggested calling sitting in a steam-filled bathroom and called in a steroid. Both of those things helped him get through the night. But, I am still taking him to the doctor today. I am not taking any risks. We have insurance and if they just tell me he is ok...then great. Just pray for a quick recovery. Blah. Slightly stressful.

And on another note. For the past couple days Dawson has been saying that he wanted to make something for Samuel (so sweet). Well, yesterday, we made an octopus made out of a glove and decorated it quite exotically. I will put up a picture soon. When Dawson is feeling better, we will take it to Samuel's grave.

Poem

2009-02-24T19:52:00.000-08:00

Mommy please don't look so sad
Momma please don't cry
'cause I'm in the arms of Jesus
Please try not to question God,
don't think He is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and
then simply changed His mind.
You see I am a special child
and I'm needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him
a product of His love.
I'll always be there with you,
so watch the sky at night.
Find the brightest star that's
gleaming, it's my halo's brillant
light! So Mommy please don't
look so sad, Mommy don't cry
I'm in the arms of Jesus Christ
singing lullabies.

-author unknown

Sad.

2009-02-15T15:31:00.000-08:00

Well, I know I am not so good at keeping up with my blog anymore, but it has been hard. I miss Samuel so much! Everytime I picture his sweet little face I just start crying. I still want to make sense of why he had to die. Grrr. When I am ready I will ask God to tell me. I feel that it is okay to ask God why. God can handle my questions.

Anyway, the other day I stopped by Samuel's grave site. We don't have a stone yet (but we did just order it last week). All that is there is a small rectangular dirt spot. Even though I know that it is just his body and that he is not there anymore, I just cried a lot. Dawson was in the car ( he didn't need to get out). But when I got back in the car, Dawson asked if I was sad. I told him that I just miss Samuel. Of course, Dawson being the sweet little boy that he is, told me "it will be ok mom". Then he preceded to tell me that he would go get Samuel with his super-fast wings. Almost everyday Dawson talks about going to go get Samuel. The other day he told me we needed to go to Target so he could buy some wings. That same day he told me that Samuel was playing with Jesus. What a beautiful picture that paints for me.

Ok. Well, just continue to pray for us. Pray for understanding, pray for peace, pray for unity, pray for healing, pray for direction.

Also, thank you for those of you who have donated. We aren't able to see who is donating, but money as been put in ...so thank you. I wish I knew who you all are. May the Lord bless you for your generosity.

Just Here

2009-02-05T22:40:00.000-08:00

I know it has a been awhile since I last updated, but this will be short. It is late and I am exhausted. I will get better at writing again...soon. We are surviving. We are taking each day, one at a time (what we are suppose to do anyway).

I just want to tell you a little story about Dawson (that kid is amazing). Dawson frequently talks about Samuel. I love it! But the other day, he made my heart melt. This is our conversation:

Dawson: I am going to go get Samuel.
Me: Do you know where Samuel is?
Dawson: With Jesus.
Me: How are you going to get him?
Dawson: I have super-fast wings to go get him.

Again, today he said he was going to go get Samuel. But this time we were in the car. He pretended to put on his wings and then told me that I needed to unbuckle him so he could fly. He started flapping his "wings" in the car and saying "flap, flap, flappin'". Man, I wish I could be as innocent and opened as he is. I pray that the world doesn't take this away from him.

The Tears Will Fall Down

2009-01-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

Well, we are back from Florida. It was a great trip, but I am glad to be in my own bed. Dawson was so cute. He fell asleep on our second flight. When he woke up at home in his bed he very excitedly said, "we're home!". He was glad to see all his toys and have his yogurt. He woke up this morning on eastern time-at 6am. I tried to convince him that it wasn't day and that he needed to go back to bed. Not so lucky!
So, being back has been really hard for me. Every time I walk into the living room, my heart breaks. I can't stop picturing Samuel lying there, lifeless, on that floor. Oh my heart just aches. I have never felt so much sadness and pain in my entire life and I don't think I ever will. Last night I just keep kissing his picture on the wall. My sweet baby, oh my sweet baby, how I miss him. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hold his picture tight. When I went to bed last night I was still crying and it woke Dawson up. Dawson just hugged me and rubbed my head while saying over and over again, "it's ok mom, it's ok, don't cry, it's ok". What a sweet child! I love how God is using Dawson to help comfort me. Man, this sucks. I have really been struggling lately with being angry with God. I am not angry...as in not wanting to have a relationship with Him, but mad that this had to happen...even though I know He is using it...oh...so many mixed emotions....

Florida.

2009-01-19T16:34:00.000-08:00

Well, we have been busy here in the sunny state of Florida. Today was a gorgeous day! The other days have not been that great, but who cares...we are here together as a family and that is what matters. We went to Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, downtown Disney, and a helicopter ride in Orlando. What a great time! Dawson is being such a little champ. Today we chilled at camp and went to the park with a lot of kids of camp staff. It truly was a great day. It is nice to be here with old friends.
This trip has been great so far. It is nice to be away together and have a free agenda. Although we are having a great time, I think I have thought of Samuel even more than ever. Everything is just so surreal. I just can't believe how dramatically our lives changed in one day...in 10 weeks. I feel like we need to do something with this experience that God has chosen us to endure. I am not quite sure what that means, but I feel like we can't go living our lives like we were before. Big things are going to happen.
Samuel's life has changed a lot of people's lives-especially our life. What a blessing he was and continues to be! His life was short but precious beyond belief. So many things we take for granted-like our next breath, tomorrow, each moment. We just never know we will leave this life here on earth or when anyone around will either. I feel like I understand more the saying, "make the most of every opportunity". For, we are not God, and therefore need to stop living like we are. I have also realized that so many things I once thought were important in life...well, frankly they just aren't anymore. I think my spirit has been softened. I have learned to see good in others FIRST. I understand more what it means to be "surrounded by a fellowship of believers". "Peace that transcends all understanding" has taken on a new meaning...wow! There is just so much I personally have learned (so much more than I have said) and that I will continue to learn. But I think the thing that surpasses all is that God is good and He is in control. Thank goodness I don't have to be in control-that would be way too much handle.

Here we come Florida!

2009-01-13T17:56:00.000-08:00

So, we are off to Florida tomorrow. Jeff already to be down there for work next week, so we decided to take a family vacation and go down early. It has been a long year. I think it will be good to get away. Pray for our safety and for a time of healing and renewing. Dawson is really excited to see Mickey and go swimming.

Donations: US Bank

2009-01-12T16:58:00.000-08:00

OK... so we have set up a memorial fund through US Bank. For whatever reason, it has been a little more complicated than expected.

It is under the name: Samuel A. Rowbotham Memorial Fund

Apparently you can only donate by going into the bank....

But...if you don't have a US Bank, you can mail a check to my mom's address with "Samuel A. Rowbotham Memorial Fund" written on it. It seems technology has only come so far. She will then deposit the money into the account.... I am not sure this is the best option yet (if you don't have a US Bank) so I will work on a better plan. Feel free to give me suggestions. Otherwise, you can mail check to my mom...just email me if you want to do that and I will give you her address. You can email me at: rowbothamkristy@gmail.com and please put "donation for samuel" in the subject. OK. Thanks.

Sorry so complicated.

My Sweet, Sweet, Baby

2009-01-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

I have been so sad lately. There is always the "what if" and "if only", but I know I can't think that way. Regardless of why this happened, I have to trust that God had this in his plan. I just get so sad when I think of my sweet baby. Already, I can't smell him anymore...it is like his smell has already disappeared. I just wish I could get a whiff of him. My heart is so heavy. I always want things to make sense, but in life things just don't always make sense. Grr.
Yesterday I went to the hospital to drop off all his Newborn size clothes. He got so many adorable clothes that he never got to wear. So sad. But I wanted to give them to someone who could use them. I am sure little babies in the NICU will use them. But not my sweet little Samuel. Also, when I was there I went up to the PICU to pick up a hand and foot mold. The nurses let me in the entrance and I just starting crying. I waited at the door until someone brought me the molds. The molds were the most adorable, precious things. They show every little detail of his hand and foot-every little crease, his nails, his tiny toes, tiny fingers....oh. I will cherish the molds forever! I just kissed them and it reminded me of him. Oh, I just miss him. I wish I could hold him just a little longer-feel his warmth. My sweet, sweet, Samuel.

Almost a Week

2009-01-08T16:50:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been almost a week since Samuel has met Jesus. We are very sad that he is gone. We are sad because WE want to hold him, touch him, and have him here with us. Despite being sad I am also relieved that Samuel doesn't have to suffer anymore-no more surgeries, no more suctioning, no more annoyances. He is not restricted anymore. Now that everyone has left (except my mom) I find it harder to be content...I know that this is normal and it is ok to be sad...but I guess I am not quite ready to accept the reality that my sweet little baby will never come home again (at least here on earth). It just doesn't make sense...but I have to realize it may never make sense in the way I want his passing to make sense. That is ok, but hard to grasp.

Anyway, we were suppose to bury Samuel on Wednesday, but no one at the hospital would sign his death certificate, so we are burying him tomorrow. It will just be me, jeff, and my mom.

Side note: I know people have been asking about giving donations...we are working on it...we need his death certificate (the hospital is suppose to be signing that tonight). Hopefully we can set that up... we will let you know when we get that taken care of.

Continue to pray for us-for peace and understanding.

Heavenly Visions

2009-01-04T18:44:00.000-08:00

The beauty of child-like faith takes my breath away. I have to tell you what happened the night before Samuel died. I was putting Dawson to bed while Jeff was at the hospital with Samuel. Dawson and I were praying as we normally do before bed. Dawson's prayer goes like this: "God, Jesus, Amen". This particular night I told Daws that Samuel was very sick and we needed to pray for him. Then Dawson said the most amazing thing I could have asked for. He said, "Samuel is dying. Samuel is dead" then pointed out the window and said "there are angels out there holding Samuel. They are going to put him back in his bed. They are flap, flap, flappin' out there." After that he said the name "michael". I asked him why he said that...but he just said, "nuthin". I felt like that was a sign from God. It gave me peace that he was taken care of and that angels were holding him. I am at peace that Samuel is with Jesus. I know that he is a lot better off. I can just picture him with a whole body in heaven-no more pain, no surgeries, just freedom. My sweet baby Samuel is in the arms of the Lord, I couldn't ask for anything more.

Donations

2009-01-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Jeff and Kristy are asking that any donations being sent will be sent to a memorial fund in honor of Samuel Rowbotham through US Bank. They are are in the process of setting it up and more details will be forth coming.

A Celebration of Life

2009-01-02T16:16:00.001-08:00

I am so exhausted: both mentally and physically, so this will be short. I just want to update everyone of the arrangements we have made to celebrate Samuel's life and to tell of the glory of God.

Monday, January 5th

1:00pm

Woodmen Valley Chapel, Rockrimmon Campus

(The Stone Chapel)

290 E. Woodmen Rd., Colorado Springs, CO 80919

There will be a reception with snacks following the service.

Thank you all.

He is with Jesus Today

2009-01-02T12:00:00.000-08:00

Our precious little baby boy met Jesus this morning. Thank you God for taking care of him. We trust God that he is well with you. We love you Samuel.

A Turn for the Worst

2008-12-31T18:11:00.000-08:00

Samuel is not well. He is very sick. His brain has not recovered. The only brain activity he is having is from seizures. It is really sad. He is just starring off into space and not responsive to anything. His little body is so limp and swollen. He is on a small amount of pain meds, but is still just out of it. At first he was breathing on his own, now he is hardly breathing on his own at all. Please just pray that the Lord will take him home tonight. I can't see him like this anymore. My heart is aching. I hurt so badly. We don't want to have to make the decision to take him off life support. So, please just pray that God will take him. This sucks. This is hard. I am struggling to function. My heart just hurts so much. I feel plagued with sadness. Give us peace O Lord. Give us peace. Please let our sweet baby boy be with you Lord, let him sit on your lap, let him laugh, let him run, let him be free of all these tubes, God we plead with you for your mercy on him.

Deep Sadness

2008-12-31T06:44:00.000-08:00

This is Kristy. Well, Samuel is doing ok...just ok. I talked to the nurse this morning and she said he had an "ok" night. My heart is sad. I hate to see my little baby suffering like this. It is hard to understand why this had to happen. But, again, that is where I just have to continue to trust God and know that he is in control. The doctors have yet to find out why this happened, but they just keep saying, "this was a very bad thing to happen". Samuel was without a heart rate/oxygen for 32 minutes (if not or more). As soon as Jeff came up to get me that morning I began CPR to a lifeless little Samuel lying on the floor. He didn't respond. Then 911 arrived and took over...with no success. They said that 2 minutes into the ride they got a pulse. That is a really long time to be without oxygen. The big concern is the damage that was done to his brain. Not only did he already have little brain, but what he did have has been damaged. Yesterday they did an EEG (brain scan) and determined that there was very little brain activity. When this test was done previously it was determined that he had normal brain activity. This is very dishearting. It feels like the chance that he had has been smashed...but I will never give up hope. But I think hope is wishing for the best for Samuel. I feel torn at what to pray for. I want to pray that he gets better-that his brain/organs recover, but at the same time I want to pray that he will stop suffering and just be with Jesus. That is why I just need God to make that decision very clear-that He makes that decision. Please pray for that. Our hearts are heavy. Our sadness is great. It just doesn't make sense, but sometimes life just doesn't make sense and we just have to accept that.

Please Pray...Another Scare

2008-12-30T06:58:00.000-08:00

This morning Samuel stopped breathing and his heart stopped. They began doing CPR but it was not working. The Ambulance arrived and continued CPR. Two minutes into the Ambulance ride they got his heart rate up but he was still not breathing on his own. He is at the hospital right now…they had a difficult time getting his temperature up but they got him stabilized. Kristy said that he is still not breathing on his own. She was also concerned about the extended amount of time Samuel was without a heart rate and oxygen and how this might affect him. The doctors are uncertain what caused him to stop breathing…maybe a virus or something neurological. They are going to keep Samuel in the hospital for a couple of days. Praise God that Mark and Isha are out with them right now. Continue to lift up the blessing that is Samuel in your prayers as well as Kristy, Jeff, Dawson, Mark and Isha.

911 is our friend again.

2008-12-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

So, last night was an eventful night-at least for Jeff. Let me tell you the story. Firstly it is important to know that Dawson and I were out to eat with some of my friends. Jeff was at home with Samuel-he was suppose to be getting some early shut eye. Well, Jeff said he had just fallen asleep when the monitor starting beeping. He looked at it and kind of shrugged it off as the monitor going "crazy" (sometimes the monitor just doesn't pick up). But, it keep going off, so he turned on the light and Samuel was blue and frantically struggling. Jeff freaked out, but managed to call 911. Samuel's saturation was 38 and his heartrate was in the 50's (it is normally around 130). The 911 dispatcher told Jeff to start CPR and gave him step-by-step instructions. Jeff said that when he started breathing into the trach he noticed the air wasn't going in. Jeff then made a fast decision to change out the trach. As soon as he switched the trach Samuel's stats went up and his color returned. Thank God! Then the emergency crew came in, but Jeff had already saved Samuel's life. They assessed the situation and felt comfortable leaving Jeff and Samuel home. My neighbor came over too because she saw the ambulance and held Samuel once he was stable-thank you Bec! Well, when Dawson and I came home, the situation was under control. Jeff did an amazing job. I am so proud of him. He literally saved Samuel's life. If we didn't have the monitor, then Jeff wouldn't have known Samuel was struggling. Jeff acted instead of reacting. Good job honey! Wow. God really wants Samuel here. Thank you Jesus! Oh...the reason this happened was because Samuel's trach was clogged with a mucus plug.

Please pray that this doesn't happen anymore. We increased his himidity and heat on his mist collar to hopefully prevent this from happening again. But, if it does (which it probably will)- pray that we can act quickly.

A week of being home sweet home.

2008-12-16T16:12:00.001-08:00

Sorry it has been so long friends. We have definitely been busy. Samuel is keeping us on our toes. It has been such a blessing to be in the comforts of our home. At times it is a little scary not having a nurse here 24/7, but we are learning to be calm and utilize our resources. This is definitely the hardest thing we have ever had to do in our lives. Samuel requires a lot of care and time. We are just trying to adjust right now and get a routine-so it is pretty hectic. It feels like the days never end. I personally dread the night-I feel like that is when we are really alone. But despite our lives being turned upside down, we are coping and Samuel is doing amazing.

Today Samuel had his check-up. He is now 7lb 5oz. Go Samuel! The doctor increased his feedings. He still seems so tiny to me. The doctor is pleased with how he is doing. She doesn't think that Samuel will continue to need oxygen. But when he can be weaned from it we are not sure of. Samuel will continue to have doctor appts weekly. Before we left the hospital I had to schedule 10 appointments! Last week we had three appts. This week only 2. But the week of Christmas, I think we have 4! Busy Busy Busy.

Dawson is being a crazy wild man-as always. He is such a boy. He has been having a hard time adjusting to having to share attention with Samuel...he will get used to it (hopefully). It is also hard for him because he is so used to going out with me every day. Well, we just can't do that anymore. Once Samuel gets stronger and the weather gets warmer, we will be able to get out more...but in the mean time, I have to learn to be creative and do stuff in the house. Although Dawson can be crazy, he is also the sweetest little boy. He loves to kiss Samuel and tell him, "I love him all the time" and "he's so sweet". Gosh I love that kid!

On another note-our dear friends Rick and Amy are here visiting us. What a blessing! Today they have been watching Dawson while we had some running around to do. I am sure Dawson is enjoying the attention. They are still out and about, so I am sure he will be wiped out when he gets home. Good for us!

Oh. We are open to visitors if anyone wants to come over-just call. But make sure you aren't sick. Thanks.

Ambulance Ride #2

2008-12-10T19:16:00.000-08:00

What a long morning! I am so tired, so I will make this quick. This morning Samuel's oxygen saturation dropped in the low 80's. He should be above 90. Again, to make a long story short-we called 911 and he was taken to the hospital. They assessed him-chest x-ray and RSV culture. Both were fine. He had some thick secretions...but even after suctioned his oxygen saturation was still too low. They decided to send us home with oxygen and have Samuel on it for some time (not sure...week, weeks, months...?). Our primary doctor will be following him now. They think it could just be an adjustment to the new environment (outside the hospital). It was definitely scary, but I think we handled it well. Jeff and I are both sleep deprived and it shows. Samuel is doing well. He has been 100% oxygenated and will continue on his oxygen until further notice. Hopefully, this will just be a little bump in the road.

He's home!!!!!

2008-12-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

We got home around 2:30. Samuel has been sleeping most of the time and has been doing very well. The car ride home went very well. Daws spent most of the time holding Samuel's car seat to make sure "he's ok." We met with our home medical equipment guy to set everything up and we also met with the home nurse. We've got "check nursing" which is where she just stops by once a day in the morning to see how he's doing. We have appointments with 9 different doctors over the next couple weeks.

Leaving the hospital today was a mix of emotions. We were definitely excited to leave, but sad to leave all the staff that has helped us to get to the this point. We were blessed with an amazing team that fought this journey thus far. Thank you Memorial Health Care Team! They all have been part of our lives for the past 6 weeks. It was hard to leave them...but at the same time, it was like a sweet victory! We are still just in awe that Samuel is home. Samuel, our little baby, that "had no hope" is now sleeping in his little bed in his little room in our home. Wow!! God is so good.

We have a lot of adjusting to do. Please pray for us. It is going to be hard and challenging, but definitely worth it. Dawson is having a hard time as well. I assume this is normal when a new baby comes home, but Samuel requires a lot more attention than a "normal" baby. With that, just pray we find a way to balance things out and still give attention to Dawson. Also pray for Jeff and I-it is going to be stressful.

Oh...and when we came home today, my bible study wonderful ladies had put a sign on our door with ballons saying "Welcome Home". Welcome Home... can you believe it? Thank you girls! Thank you God. May God continue to be glorified!

'Twas the night before

2008-12-07T17:38:00.000-08:00

Kristy and I stayed with Samuel the past two nights and the first night was really rough - he didn't sleep at all. The nurses told us that this is common because babies don't adjust well to new environments. He did much better last night, sleeping most of the night.

We are wiped out and got little to no sleep Friday night and a decent amount last night and things are hectic getting the house ready for him. Our neighbors truly are a blessing and watched Daws for two nights, cleaned our house, did laundry, made us meals and many other things that helped a bunch.

The game plan for tomorrow is to arrive at the hospital at 9:00 and then go through the discharge procedures. If there are not many new babies in the NICU keeping the docs busy, it should go relatively quickly. We then meet the home health care guy at our house to make sure everything is set up correctly. There is also no nursing care set up, so we are a bit nervous about that. Kristy loves to get Daws out of the house as much as possible, and a nurse would help make that more possible. So let us know if you know a nurse looking for a job :)

Tomorrow is Day 45, and we finally get our son, and all four of us can sit at the dinner table as a family.

Please pray that the transition goes smoothly.

The day that would never happen

2008-12-03T08:30:00.000-08:00

Samuel is experiencing circumcision on the 40th day instead of the 8th (please see Genesis 17) today and we hope that goes well. He has been doing great and loves to be held and cuddle. The hospital actually has volunteer cuddlers that hold him while Kristy and I can't be there.
I had the privilege of doing the "car seat walk" yesterday, which is where they check the car seat to see if it is compatible with his trach and him reclining enough. We are doing overnight stays on Friday and Saturday night where we are completely responsible for his care for 48 straight hours, and he'll be coming home after 45 days.

The day that would never happen is happening on Monday. We thought that his homecoming would be the heavenly type, but now we are truly blessed that he will be coming home with us on Monday. God is good and we have already experienced more than we could have imagined.

Precious Baby

2008-11-29T17:22:00.000-08:00

Samuel is doing well. He has been needing some pain meds and valium lately. We think it is because of the new shunt-probably a change in pressure causing headaches. We hope to wean him soon of the meds. He is definitely a wild little boy-like his big brother! He really hates when we suction his mouth out. We are beginning to learn his likes and dislikes. Oh yea, he really doesn't like a dirty diaper. It seems as quickly as he pumps, he is ready to get a clean diaper on. The plan is still to take him home Dec. 8th-maybe earlier??? Jeff and I still have to do 2 overnight stays before he can come home and we need our equipment too. Oh, I can't wait for our little baby to come home.

We had a great Thanksgiving this year. Jeff's mom, dad, and brother (tim) came out. It was nice to have family here. Jeff's mom and dad got to hold Samuel today. I am so thankful that they got to meet our new bundle of joy. We hope to have family out for Christmas as well.

We want to thank everyone for your support, love, prayers, meals, and so much more. I know I haven't got thank you cards out, but please know that we appreciate everything you all have done. Thank you again!

#5

2008-11-26T19:41:00.000-08:00

Samuel had the shunt placement today and the surgery went really well with no surprises. He has been really alert and awake the past couple days and did not even have to go on a vent after his surgery (which he has needed for the past 4). Now it is just a matter of him getting stronger and us learning to change the trach and take care of him. We have to do two overnight stays at the hospital where we are entirely responsible for his care (with nurses watching through the window of course). We are on track for discharge on the 8th and are praying that all will go smoothly for the next 11 days with no infection or complications. We cannot wait to see what God has planned for this little guy and we are just excited to be a part of it.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

New Shunt Today

2008-11-26T07:49:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone. Samuel is having surgery today. He is getting the external shunt removed and the internal shunt put back in. Please pray it goes well and that he doesn't get an infection. Shunt are known for getting infections and for malfunctioning...pray that this does not happen! As we all have witnessed, God is Big-way bigger than we can ever imagine. Let us continue to pray big for Samuel-because God is listening. Let our Father be glorified!!

Are Miracles becoming common?

2008-11-24T18:51:00.000-08:00

Samuel celebrated his 1st monthday today and had a CT scan to look at the amount of brain that has developed. The neonatalogist grabbed me as soon as he saw me and asked Kristy and I to come with him to look at the CT. He said he has never seen anything like this before and used words like amazing and phenomenal. This is also the same doctor that was using the word vegetative three weeks ago. Samuel had .5 cm of brain matter around the rim of his skull before the shunt and he now has 2.25 cm. He also has an almost complete forebrain and almost all of the right side of his brain and is missing a portion of his left side. He will be taken off IV nutrition tomorrow and feeding entirely off of Kristy's milk. We are hoping that he can have the shunt placed on Friday. God is good.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Eph 3:20

Care Conference

2008-11-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

We had our care conference today and sat down with the whole medical crew to talk about his discharge. The neurosurgeon would like to place the shunt back in his brain on Tues or Wed, and as long as that goes smoothly and the feedings go well, we can expect him to come home on the Dec 8th. Kristy and I will have to do at least 2 overnight stays in the NICU where we will completely oversee his care. The discharge coordinator is also setting up home health care for us as well as a medical equipment provider. We are very excited and praying for smooth sailing from here on out.

I often struggle with what God is trying to teach us through Samuel and came across John 9 when the disciples came across a blind man and they ask Jesus who sinned, this man or his parents? (As if God was punishing this man because of his or his parents action.) Jesus answered, "Neither this man nor his parents sinned. This happened so that the works of God might be revealed in him." - He then went on to heal him and the man testified before the Pharisees of how Jesus healed him. Our hope for Samuel is the same - that God will use him for His glory in some way. We have no idea what God has planned for us, but we will seek to learn from Him.

On another note, Kristy's brother Kevin and his wife Katie have been looking into adoption for a while and got a call from Kristy's friend Melissa, who is an attorney. Long story short - Melissa came across a child today that was born on 10/23 and he mother wants to give him up for adoption. He is staying with Kevin and Katie tonight and the mother has agreed to give him up to them for adoption. An instant answer to many prayers in a very unexpected way.

Surgery Went Well

2008-11-19T11:38:00.000-08:00

Surgery went well today and Samuel is in recovery. He now has an external shunt until the infection clears and the neurosurgeon will then put another shunt in as early as next week or as late as 2 weeks. He cannot come home with the external shunt in place.

They will start feeding him later today and we are praying that his stomach will tolerate the new set up and do well.

We also got the results of another ultrasound on his brain and they discovered that he is missing a septum pellucidum, which may cause some endocrinal malfunction. I copied the info below from Wikipedia:

"Absence of the septum pellucidum, caused by mutations in the HESX1 gene, is associated with septo-optic dysplasia. This may result in hypothalamic dysfunction and hypopituitarism, as well as problems of vision, coordination, and intelligence, among other abnormalities. One famous reference to an abnormality of the septum pellucidum would be the movie Rocky V. In the movie, the main character Rocky Balboa is forced to retire due to brain damage sustained throughout his career." (I had to keep the Rocky reference in because we have jokingly been calling Samuel Rocky Balboa because he has such fight in him)

We were hoping that the ultrasound would show how the brain tissue is growing, but they did not look for that in this ultrasound. We also have a care conference on Friday which is where all of the doctors and discharge coordinator, etc, sit in a room and we talk about Samuel's course of treatment and the discharge process.

Another Surgery

2008-11-18T08:18:00.000-08:00

We met with the neurosurgeon this morning and he is going to remove the infected shunt tomorrow morning at 9:30. He will replace it with a tube that drains externally to a bag so they can monitor the spinal fluid for infections. This will be in place for anywhere from 5 days to 2 weeks until they feel that the infection has cleared. He will then put a shunt in his left side, so Samuel will have matching scars. This also backs up Samuel's discharge date so he will not be home by Thanksgiving like we were hoping.

His stomach seems to be doing well and we are going to start feeding him small amounts a day or so after surgery. Hopefully he will tolerate the feeds well and he will be off the IV nutrition 4-5 days after that. Please keep the surgery in your prayers.

A Rocky Road

2008-11-17T18:32:00.001-08:00

Today was filled with more rocks in the road-Samuel's shunt is infected. It is either menigitis or a staph infection. The neurosurgeon had come in the morning and did a shunt tap (pulling some fluid out of the shunt). Now, this means that Samuel has to have additional surgeries. First, he will have the shunt removed and placed externally. This means he will literally have the fluid draining into a bag. Then, once he has recovered from the infection, he will have a new shunt placed. Today was the first day that Samuel actually looked sick to me. It was an emotional day. Some days I just feel like I can't deal with all this. I am emotional drained. Jeff and I just wonder what God is doing. I really had to cry out to God today-Jeff and I need clarity and wisdom in our decisions. It is hard not to be frustrated with God, but despite being frustrated we are still trusting Him and His plan, but it would be nice to have a little bit of relief-some things to come "just as planned", but I guess life is not always like that.... So, please pray for strength and energy for Jeff and I. And also pray for healing for Samuel. Pray that his little body will fight off this infection. We are not giving up hope on this little man!

Curve Balls

2008-11-16T20:01:00.000-08:00

The neonatologist said: "He keeps throwing us curve balls." They set up a plan for him to come home, then we keep running into complications. Samuel has an ulcer that is bleeding through the tube that drains out of his stomach. This is something to be concerned about, but it can be treated with meds. We are going to start feeding small amounts on Tues or Wed, and he will hopefully be back up to the full amount (2 oz every 3 hrs) within 5 days. He cannot come home until we reach this milestone.

The major thing that we are concerned about is that the incision for his shunt is leaking spinal fluid. The neurosurgeon is going to look at him in the morning and it could be as easy as stitching up the wound again, or as complicated as replacing the shunt. There is also a risk that he could get an infection. The docs have also stopped giving us an expected date for him to come home because of these complications. Please keep these things in your prayers.

Peace

2008-11-13T20:54:00.000-08:00

Samuel has been resting peacefully all day and has shown no signs of infection or a fever, which would indicate that his stomach is dying. The surgeon stopped by a couple of times to check on him. He said he has never seen anything like this in his 20 years of practicing medicine, but we seem to be hearing that a lot, and Samuel has been beating all the odds thrown at him, so we have peace about it and feel that Samuel will recover. They are keeping him off Kristy's milk for at least 5 day to allow the stomach to heal, so he is getting IV nutrition. I realized how amazing Kristy is when she told the surgeon not to worry about Samuel and that he's a fighter and would come through this ok.

We also had a huge blessing today as Samuel had a hearing test and he only has mild to moderate hearing loss. The doctors were concerned that he could be totally deaf. He will have to have hearing aids until he is 6 or 7, and then they can do a surgery to open up his ear canals. This will also affect speech, but for a kid who was given no chance of surviving, we're quite happy with that outcome.

Many people have been asking us how we are getting through this and the answer is simple - we gave this all to God back in July. We realized that we could not handle this on our own and we have put God in control. We're just along for the ride. If God takes him tomorrow, we'll have total peace, we'll be extremely sad, but it was God's plan. Our hopes and prayers are that Samuel will run and play t-ball and graduate college, but we will love him and take care of him all the same no matter how he turns out. This is going to be a huge trial in our lives, but God is bigger than this and we need to view these times as light and momentary troubles. We look forward to seeing what we can learn from this precious gift. Thanks for your prayers.

Uncertainty, yet again.

2008-11-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

Today, Samuel had his g-tube/nissen surgery. It didn't go as smoothly as expected. The surgeon said that when he split the vessel in the stomach that it turned a grayish color-which is indicative of lack of oxygen/blood. To say the least...if the stomach doesn't get the blood supply back... Samuel may die. So, again, we just have to wait and see. Of course, this makes us question our decision to have the surgery. But, we just have to trust God, and trust that He is in control-ultimately He makes the calls. Please pray for Samuel's stomach to get blood supply. Pray for us during these stressful days ahead.

One Step Closer

2008-11-11T16:36:00.000-08:00

Today we met with the plastic surgeon and he seemed very optimistic and thought that we could fix Samuel's lip in about 10 weeks and his palate in about 8 months, which is normal for babies. We also met with the geneticist from Denver Children's who wanted to see Samuel. He thinks that he may have Goldenhar association, but it is not know which genes form incorrectly with GA, so there is no test for it. They make the diagnosis based off of Samuel's features - all chromosome and gene tests have come back normal.

Samuel is also getting a feeding tube placed into his stomach tomorrow at 11 am and they are also doing a procedure that will prevent acid reflux. We also asked the surgeon to perform a circumcision while he's on anesthesia. If all goes well, Samuel could be home in 1-2 weeks. There is a lot of preparations and learning that we need to do on our end, so please keep that in your prayers.

Our biggest concern is Samuel's brain. The doctors seem concerned about the amount of brain that has formed and our prayer is that it continues to grow and adapt with the pressure relieved over the next couple months. (Babies brain continue to grow over the first months of their life) Please keep this in your prayers, God has given us the technology to fix many things, but only God can make his brain grow the way we'd like it to. The doctors seem to prepare us for the worst case scenario, but the geneticist told us today that Samuel has an amazing will to live, and we believe that same spirit will keep him fighting. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

So good!

2008-11-08T10:02:00.000-08:00

Samuel is doing amazing! He is slowing being taken off some of his tubes and other connections. Yesterday was his first full day off the vent and he did super! He actually seems so much more content and relaxed with the vent off. Now he is just on a mist collar (like a humidifer directly over his trach). He was have to wear the trach collar whenever possible. It is to help with keeping his lungs/throat mist. He is also off all pain meds right now. Yipee. Not to mention we have been blessed with the most amazing nurse, Nancy. Nancy has been with us since we got to the hospital. So, she knows Samuel and does an excellent job caring for him. I trust her completely. Praise God! Samuel's volume of food has slowly been increased. He is starting to reflux a little, but not too bad. He is at an increased risk of aspirating because of his trach. Oh and yesterday our nurse put clothes on him-it was so cute. Jeff said his pants looked like MC Hammer. We have also been able to hold him now. So exciting. Mamaw even got to hold him. We are still trying to figure out his likes and dislikes. Well, that was just a quick update. But both of our boys are pretty amazing and pretty strong. Thanks God.

Some good and some ok

2008-11-05T18:06:00.001-08:00

This is Kristy. So, some days are good and some days are just ok. Today was ok at first, then turned out to be much better. When I went to the hospital this morning, Samuel was very "out of it". I asked the nurse on duty why he was so sleepy and she said the night time nurse gave him a valium every 2 hours. I was furious! He doesn't need it that often...maybe every 6 hours, but not every 2! Stuff is now starting to get harder-emotionally. I want to be able to trust the nurses and feel confident that they are doing the job they are suppose to...but frankly I don't always feel that way...and it is very unsettling. I just feel that some nurses depersonalize too much and lose that caring, nurturing attitude. It is hard not to be bitter or frustrated. Please pray that I can be an advocate for Samuel and stand out and say things when necessary. Anyway, this morning Samuel needed a lot of care-he needed an IV removed, a new one put in, and just a lot of other care. Needless to say, Samuel didn't like all this, and was very frustrated. It was so hard for me to see him that way. I can't hold him, I can't hear him cry, I can try to calm him, but it is hard to do...I struggle because I feel like I can't be his mother the way I want to be. So, I had to leave and take a walk. I needed to cool down. My emotions are high and it hurts so badly to see my little beautiful baby that way. But... when I came back, he was so cute. As soon as I walked in, he opened his little precious eye and looked at me. He just locked eyes with me. I held his teeny hands and just talked to him and stared right back at him. I thanked God for a wonderful moment with Samuel. I needed a moment of encouragement and God gave it to me-he knew just what I needed. So, I left after 7 hours at the hospital, with a renewed spirit of hope.

A Long Road Ahead

2008-11-02T18:58:00.000-08:00

(This is Jeff) Samuel is doing very well with the trach, but is heavily sedated until Wednesday because they want to limit his movement to prevent him pulling on it with his hands. It is very hard for Kristy and I to see him like that, but we know it is for a better outcome. They are also increasing his feeds of Kristy's milk and decreasing the IV nutrition. In order for him to come home, Kristy and I will have to be able to completely care for him and be able to change out his trach. I am rather squeamish and the mere thought of doing that makes me shudder, so prayers will definitely be appreciated. He will also need a feeding peg near his belly button that will put the milk directly into his stomach. Burping him will involve suctioning air out with a syringe directly from his stomach. We could not wait for the day that Dawson stopped crying in the night, and now we hope for the day that we can hear Samuel cry. His airway is completely obstructed and it will require him growing and several surgeries before he will ever be able to use the airway or swallow. We got the result of the EEG and he does have electrical activity in his brain, which is a great sign, we pray that more brain tissue will grow over time.

The little guy is a fighter and he has already changed our lives in a profound way. He fought for his life for over an hour after birth while the doctors were trying to get him a viable airway, and he continues to blow us away. God has given us peace about the whole situation and if we had to do it all over again, we would not have done anything differently. We thank you all for your prayers and cards.

Lamentations 3:31-33 For men are not cast of by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love. For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men.

Surgery Today.

2008-10-31T19:01:00.000-07:00

This is Kristy. It has been awhile since I have been able to write, but tonight I am home and just trying to catch up.

Today Samuel had his trach inserted. The surgery went very smooth. It is a relatively easy surgery with little complication. The surgeon also did a thorough look into Samuel's oral/nasal anatomy. She said it was very interesting...nothing that she had seen before. There is a cleft in the hard palate and in the soft palate, as well as the tongue, and top and bottom lip. Also there may be a bony stucture in the nasal cavity-so there is no connection between the nasal passage and the throat. Jeff is a lot better at explaining these things, so if he has time he can update the blog. Otherwise, Samuel is stable.

Although Samuel is well, we still have a long unknown road ahead. So many things the doctors are unsure. Samuel is our miracle baby. I think he is a miracle baby to so many others as well-especially the doctors. I still vividly remember sitting with the perinatalogist and hearing him say the words, "no hope". Well, Samuel has proved him wrong. Technology is not always accurate. And our God is much bigger than any technology.

God has continued to amaze me through our circumstance. God has been seen in so many ways. God has been using this situation for his glory-already. I don't know what the future looks like, but I know God has shared this amazing little boy with us to glorify Him. And as I see God work, I also see Satan work-trying to get a foothold on something, anything. Please pray for us and that we remain strong. Jeff and I definitely need prayer for the decisions we make daily. A slight communication error between us and Satan starts attacking. Just pray that we can be aware and remain as one knit tightly together. That we are sensitive to each other's reactions. Emotions are high, we are sleep deprived-perfect weapons for the enemy. We also need prayer for our other little boy Dawson. I can't imagine how confused he is. I know he can only comprehend so much, but he sees our pain, our anger, our fear. Not to mention his world has been turned upside down. Family in and out, routine-not so much, and a new baby brother. Dawson has been a little trooper-we just need to figure out how to make his life as normal as we can, but still helping him to understand our new life ahead of us. Also, pray for Samuel's brain to grow. At this point we are very unsure of how much brain tissue he actually has...but we know it is not a lot. I pray that his brain will grow...I believe in miracles.

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support. Our God is a good God! I know when my family has all left we will definitely need you all more than ever. Thank you.

FYI: We are at Memorial Hospital. We are more than glad to have visitors and to show off our little boy. We can't have our phones on in the hospital, but if you stop by and go to NICU, they will contact us to come out. Jeff or myself are usually at the hospital. Also, I will try to post new pictures soon. We can finally see little Samuel's face-no tubes and tape on his face, and his head is so much smaller.

Trach Insertion Tomorrow

2008-10-30T17:10:00.000-07:00

Samuel is doing very well! Kristy said he is such a trooper and is handling everything so well.

Tomorrow at noon they are inserting the trach tomorrow (another breathing instrument) so we are asking for prayers that this procedure goes smoothly.

Please keep praying! It's working!

Nice and Boring

2008-10-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Those were the doctor's words when he came out of surgery. Samuel did great and Kristy said you can already tell an improvement with the shape and feel of his head. Everyone is very happy and awaiting Samuel to return from recovery.

Enjoy the pictures! They are from before surgery.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me."
John 14:1

In surgery; but a GREAT day!

2008-10-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

Right now, Samuel has about 15-20 minutes left of surgery. They are placing a shunt in his brain to drain the fluid. Pray this surgery is a success and that Jesus guides the doctor's hands on Samuel's delicate brain and that no problems arise during this operation.

Praise the Lord! The initial brain abnormalities that were described to Kristy and Jeff at the ultrasound are NOT what the doctors originally thought! God is so good and the brain scan showed TWO hemispheres instead of one. This is amazing news on many fronts but when Jeff asked the doctor if Samuel could walk one day, the doctor said he wouldn't rule it out! Samuel still has hydrocephalus (fluid on the brain) which is the reason for the shunt but this is the greatest news they could have received in this situation. The prayers are working and we need to keep praying!

Kristy and Jeff were both able to hold their son yesterday. Kristy said he has smiled, opened his eye, and has showed obvious signs that he recognizes Mom and Dad. All wonderful things!

Thank you, thank you, thank you prayer warriers for all your positive thoughts, comments, prayers, and hopes. Kristy named the blog "Seeing Hope in Hopeless" when doctors were giving them a poor prognosis and encouraging termination. Her maternal instinct kicked in and she has taken care of her baby to the best of her ability and given him a chance at life, and now the doctor is seeing hope in walking! Things are no longer hopeless and we need to pray fervently for more milestones and good news for this miracle baby.

Again, please pray the surgery is a success, and continue praying that God helps guide Kristy and Jeff as they make more decisions. Please pray that once the shunt is in place, Samuel's brain begins to grow and develop.

He has already shown his family that he is smart and beautiful :)

Update

2008-10-27T10:16:00.001-07:00

I talked to Kristy this morning and there are a couple new developments. The doctors went ahead and intubated Samuel, which took care of two things: first, the problem with the improper disposal of 02 has been resolved, and second, he is breathing on his own (mostly) without the tongue depression. The tongue depression was effective but Kristy said every so often it would move out of place and the airway would be blocked. It sounded like it was very difficult to watch Samuel go through the intubation process but I think he is doing better in that respect now that it's in place.

The doctors were conducting an MRI on Samuel this morning, and so Kristy is praying that Jeff was able to hold him before his scan. Kristy said at one point when the doctors were working on him, Samuel tried to push them away!

She also said one of the nurses was changing his diaper and let them have a peek at his little heine. She said he has a cute little tiny butt! I could tell she was excited to see his precious tiny body.

Meanwhile, we are still asking for several prayers. Generally, we ask the Lord to guide Kristy and Jeff as they seek answers and make decisions regarding Samuel's care every day. This is such a scary, stressful and uncertain journey. We just pray that Kristy and Jeff feel peace and confidence with every decision they make.

Please pray that they are getting as much rest as they can during this difficult time, and that they are comfortable and have as few outside stressors as possible. Kristy mentioned the lack of room and privacy when trying to pump milk and take care of other needs. We also pray that Kristy and Jeff are given time to enjoy their baby and love their baby. I know she has not been able to hold him since birth so please pray that she can hold him again soon. Please pray for Dawson as he is too young to fully understand what his little brother is going through, as well as give Kristy and Jeff the right words to explain the situation the best they can to a two and a half year old.

Kristy's mom, dad, brother and sister-in law (Kevin and Katie) are all in Colorado with the Rowbotham's so please pray for them as well. I know the family being together is very comforting and helpful.

I asked Kristy if she needed anything and she said no, she is doing fine for now.

Please pray hard! God is good and I know He will take care of Kristy, Jeff, Dawson and Samuel in His way.

Still fighting, but still in distress...

2008-10-25T09:37:00.000-07:00

Kristy just called with another update. The doctors at the hospital where Samuel is staying are currently conducting a brain scan to ascertain how severe the brain anomalies are at this time. The current plan is to insert a shunt and a trach into Samuel to help with his issues.

Samuel's body is also not disposing of O2 properly. Kristy is concerned that this could be fatal.

Everything is very uncertain. They do not know how long Samuel will survive.

Right now, they are just asking for prayer for the family. Please pray that they will continue to feel peace as they continue down this journey. Please pray that Jeff has strength and guidance as he is alone with Samuel at the other hospital. Please pray that Jeff and Kristy have guidance when it comes to making decisions about Samuel's care...at what point is the intervention too much?

Thank you so much for all the thoughts and prayers. I know Kristy and Jeff are aware of all the people praying for them, and can feel the love that surrounds them from all over the country.

More updates to come!

Everyone is okay! (But Samuel still has fatal concerns)

2008-10-25T00:54:00.000-07:00

Samuel Arthur Rowbotham was born into this world weighing 6 pounds, 6 ounces and 18.5 inches long! Kristy said he is a fighter. He came out and was trying so hard to cry and Kristy said he muffled some little squeaks. She got to hold her precious baby boy.

Samuel is being transported to the other hospital, but Kristy is staying at the new hospital. Samuel has a few concerns, some they knew about, and some they did not. He only has one eye and one ear, his head is very large (the same size as his body), the cleft lip and palate, his tongue is being depressed so that he can breathe, and more.

But right now he is BREATHING on his own!

As soon as I heard Kristy's voice, before I knew whether or not she'd delivered or if the baby survived, a certain feeling of calmness was evident in her voice. She sounded the best she has sounded since July 11, 2008. As she recounted the details of her son's birth, I could hear the tenderness and love she felt for her baby as well as the peace she felt with the unknown fate. She said she is feeling peaceful and Jeff is feeling peaceful and if Jesus wants to bring Samuel home, they are both okay with that.

We are just asking for more prayer. Praying that Kristy will have a speedy and healthy recovery from her surgery, that Jeff, Kristy, Regina, Tom and the rest of their family will continue to feel comfort and peace, and that Samuel is comfortable and Jesus wraps his arms around this child and takes care of him while he is with us on Earth and if he chooses to bring him home with Him.

Kristy is sad that Samuel had to go to a different hospital but happy that Dawson can come and visit her, as she misses him very much already.

Kristy, you are an amazing, amazing mommy. Dawson and Samuel are very blessed that God picked you to be their mommy. I love you, friend.

C-Section

2008-10-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

Please keep praying! Baby Samuel is in distress and labor is not progressing as they would like. The baby's head has not dropped enough. The doctors have decided its in Kristy and Baby's best interest to perform a C-Section. I wish I could be there with my best friend...but I know she is being taken care of. Prayers, prayers, prayers!

It's Time

2008-10-24T17:57:00.000-07:00

This is Melissa, writing for my dear friends Kristy and Jeff. Kristy was checked at the hospital and it was confirmed that she is in labor. She is 4cm dilated and having consistent contractions. Please pray for Kristy, Jeff, Dawson, and Baby Samuel.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Off to the hospital...again

2008-10-24T14:25:00.001-07:00

So...quickly. I have been having bad contractions all day, so we are off to the hospital to get checked. Please pray hard!!!

Closer

2008-10-24T07:11:00.000-07:00

So, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, nothing changed except I am off the Procardia now (which stopped contractions). Oh, and now I am measuring 41 weeks and I am 36 weeks. So, really I feel miserable. I am having such difficulty moving around. I really pray that I will have Samuel early. I am not sure how much longer I can take this anticipation and unknowns. But I am still resting assured that God is in control and that HE HAS TO HAVE A PLAN THAT IS MORE THAN I CAN UNDERSTAND.

Please pray for a smooth delivery. I would really like to try to go natural. Pray that my body withstands this and that I physically survive. Also, pray for the decisions Jeff and I have to make for Samuel. We feel so overwhelmed by the decisions that we can't make at this point. We want to have an idea of what we want to do for Samuel, but we aren't even sure. We need clarity. We also need prayer for guidance in handling the situation with Dawson. We don't know how to deal with it-he is 2.5... We just need some hard core prayer right now. We both are feeling so overwhelmed. I personally am having daily meltdowns. This is so much to handle, to understand...

I was reminded of these verses last night, let us not forget.

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God!!! (I added the emphasis)
Phillipians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Late Update from Thursday Dr. Appt

2008-10-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

Thursday Appt: Well, of course, not much news. I am effaced 80% and still dilated about the same between 1.5 and 2. My stomach is now measuring 4 weeks larger!!! So, my body looks and feels like I should have a baby soon, but...we don't know that. The Doctor said that she is pretty confident I will not go to my due date, but when I will go is still up in the air. I have been having a lot of back pain lately-which I think can be indicative of preterm labor. I think I will go sooner, but that is just what I am feeling. Maybe it is because I feel like a beached whale. But, not much else from the appointment-just wait and see. I am to continue taking the Procardia for contractions, but will stop on Thursday. If labor does start, we will probably just let it take course.
Other News: So, again, it has been so nice to have my mom in town. I have been trying to relax best I can, but I still want to get up and do things. We did go to the pumpkin patch yesterday, which was really fun for Dawson. The place had a straw slide, a ghetto straw maze, goats, and of course a "pumkin patch". I put it in parenthesis because they literally had boxes of pumpkins to pick from or pumpkins just chilling in the grass to pick. Oh well. The adults were definitely more disappointed than Dawson, so it doesn't matter-he had fun.
On another note. For the past week I have been looking for an outfit for Samuel. I just really wanted to buy something for him-because whether or not he comes home or not, he needs at least one baby outfit. Well, Dawson was looking at baby clothes with me and saw a picture of a baby. Dawson said, "that baby is going to die" and "that baby is in trouble". I think my heart ripped right out of my chest at that moment. I know that he doesn't fully understand, but he definitely hears what we are saying. I just don't know how to handle talking to a toddler about this stuff, but I guess we will cross that bridge when it comes... Anyway, despite the difficulties in looking for an outfit (not knowing if it will be for Samuel to come home in or be buried in), I ended up getting a really adorable warm, cozy sleeper and a little baby hat to go with it. Then Dawson picked out a cute penquin for Samuel. I am glad that we did that. It was hard, but felt good to buy something for my baby boy-who is very real.
We are hanging in there. We all have been a bit on edge, but it has helped a lot that my mom is here-it relieves some of the everyday stressors like Dawson, cleaning house, laundry, dinner, etc. We just keep praying that God will make these big decisions that are coming our way, or at least he will give us absolutely clarity in what he wants us to do. We are not able to handle decisions this big. I am glad that God is our warrior and fights for us and gives us directions, because we are clueless.

A Heavy Heart

2008-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

First I have to say that I am so glad that my mom is here. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have her here. Not to mention that Dawson totally adores her. He wants mamaw to do everything-"mamaw buckle me in", "mamaw get me milk"..... and on and on. He will actually cry if Jeff or I do something for him. I can't say that I am complaining about that. He even wants mamaw to change his diaper-oh, what a bummer! It was been to nice to be able to relax, but I think my mom pushes me relaxing a little too much. For example,we went to Walmart on Monday and she made me drive one of those motorized carts. That was so embarrassing. She told me I had two options: drive the motorized cart or sit the in the car. Grrr. But all and all, it is good that I am able to rest.
Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. I am actually looking forward to going. Just to see if things have changed or what we are going to do now. It has been a week since our triage visit and it will be the first time I have talked with my doctor since then. I kind of hope that she says that Samuel will come soon. I feel better now that I have the steroid shot and am kind of ready to just deal with whatever is going to come. I think the anticipation is just driving me mad. I am constantly wondering...is it today, tomorrow, next week, 5 weeks???? I feel like this lost puppy dog...just not knowing what to do. Today when we were at the store, I was wondering, should I buy Samuel an outfit? Should I do this? Should I do that? So many overwhelming questions. I want to be prepared, but to what degree, I am not even sure. So, I just got consumed with so many unknown questions that I just cried while I walked around the store pondering them. I am sure people just thought I was hormonal....which I am, but is not the reason why I was crying. Blah...too much.

We have the internet back!

2008-10-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

OK. Everyone we have the internet back and running. So, it will be easier to update everyone with what is going on. But, basically, not much else has changed. I got my second steroid shot on Thursday night at 11:30pm (that was fun). My headaches are better. I figured out to take the procardia with 2 tylenol. It is crazy-preventative maintenance. I have still been having contractions, but they are tolerable and not very frequent. My back is kind of aching...not fun. My mom is coming on Sunday night-so that will be such a relief and so helpful!! I feel bad for Dawson. I have been making him lay in bed with me and watch movie, after movie. I think he is going to go crazy! But my mom is coming!!! So all will be well! I will let you know if things change. Keep praying. Stay put Samuel!!! Just a little longer.

Triage Visit Last Night

2008-10-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

I am going to make this short. Our internet is not working, so I am at my neighbor's house, but just wanted to do a quick update.

Last night, I had some brown spotting and other yucky things ( I will share you all the details). But I was concerned and called the nurse hotline. She told me to go to the birthing center triage and get checked out. So, of course, we went. Again, to make this short... we went to hospital, got monitored and checked. They also did this Fetal...blah blah test. The Fetal... test can show if I am at an increased risk for delivering in the next 2 weeks.
Conclusions: The test came back positive (this doesn't mean that I will delivery in next 2 weeks, but would not be surprising...there can be a false positive). I am dilated almost 2 cm. I was having contractions, although not consistent enough to stay in hospital. And finally I lost mucus plug.
What they did: Gave me some medicine (can't remember the name), but it is to stop contractions. Only problem is that is gives me terrible headaches. But contractions have become less. They gave me a steroid shot to help Samuel's lungs develop. I get another shot tonight. I have to go to hospital tonight late because it needs to be within 24 hours of the previous one. Lucky me.
I will let you know as things happen. Just wanted to give a quick update. It is hard because our internet is not working...go figure.

A Hard Day

2008-10-05T19:09:00.000-07:00

Psalm 25:4-5

Show me your ways, O LORD,

teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,

for you are God my Savior,

and my hope is in you all day long.

Today was a hard day. Church was a really difficult place to be. Sometimes, it is not even the message, but just being there that makes us vulnerable to our emotions (which is ok, just hard). I could tell that Jeff was having a particularly emotional time during worship, which made it challenging for me as well. It is very rare to see Jeff that way and it makes my heart break. Not only that, but a few rows in front of us was a mother with a newborn baby. She was just stroking his little fuzz on his head and cuddling him so sweetly. My heart was aching. I was happy for her, but sad not knowing if I will be able to experience that with Samuel. I guess regardless I will be able to stroke his little head, feel his sweet little body-just maybe not the way in which I hoped. Letting go of these expectations is a very hard challenge. My heart just feels very sad lately and scared. I can only cry out to God right now. The pain is just overwhelming these days. I can only imagine how much harder this is going to get.

A Tiny Bit of Relief

2008-10-01T20:06:00.000-07:00

So, I had another doctor appointment today. Surprise, surprise!!! I feel like I am starting to live there or at least make it one of my favorite activities of the week. I feel bad for Dawson. He really is a champ. Gotta give it up for him for being in a doctor's office for over an hour (because they are always running behind).

Anyways...at the visit with my regular OB, I was somewhat relieved to hear what she said. She said that, although my amniotic fluid level is high, it is not a huge concern (at least not at this point). She said that yes it does increase of risk, but only slighty. The bigger concern is the size of Samuel's head. It is likely that his head will continue to grow. She said that she will talk with perinatologist and discuss at what point a c-section is mandatory. The OB said that regardless of which method I deliver it will be difficult. If natural...obviously hard. If C-section, more of challenge to get him out. Hopefully he stays head down. If he moves to a breech position, it could be interesting. Also, my blood pressure was elevated. She didn't seemed concerned about that...in all honesty it was probably because I had to sit in the waiting room for a year and a half. I will monitor that at home. Not much else really. Just "wait and see". By my next ultrasound I think we will know more of what to expect. My next ultrasound isn't until the 28th of October! Just pray Samuel stays in there and I stay healthy (both physically and mentally).

I have too admit with each week and almost day really, my faith is challenged. I have been having a lot of "bad" days lately. I seem to get more annoyed with EVERYTHING and my family suffers from this. I feel horrible for Jeff and Dawson. I probably feel worse for Dawson because he doesn't understand. I just have been on edge lately, irritated by little things. Dawson seems to push my buttons daily. If only he would do everything I asked-immediately. That is just how I am responding to him and Jeff. It seems like I am in a constant state of stress. I was doing so well. Now I just feel like I am slipping. Our family needs prayer. Jeff is such a great guy to put up with me. We definitely handle stress differently. I am what you might call "high strung". Jeff on the other hand is more laid back. I have also been avoiding people lately. So, sorry if you are one of my friends and I have been not calling you back or emailing you back or just avoiding you. It isn't because I don't need you-I just am having a hard time. Please forgive me for being a bad friend and know that I still care about our friendship.

May God be with our family during this time and the time that will follow. As always, thanks for the prayers and overwhelming support (in so many ways).

Just when we thought it couldn't get worse!

2008-09-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we had an ultrasound. It was actually a pretty quick one. They really just did the measurements of Samuel and the amniotic fluid. But, then we got more bad news. I have already mentioned that my stomach is HUGE, well, there is a reason for that. I have too much amniotic fluid. This is not a good thing. Now this puts me at risk. Before there was no added risk to me. Until now. Worst case scenario with this situation is that I would bleed profusely after delivery and that my uterus would not be able to contract back. Which in turn could mean blood transfusion and losing my uterus. The specialist mentioned again, "worst case scenario". I reminded him that we have ALL the worst case scenarios, so that really meant nothing to me. Yea. If it isn't one thing it is another. And another thing, Samuel's head is measuring at 41 weeks already. That is 9 weeks bigger than it should be. I still have 8 weeks to go (well maybe) and a baby's head that is continuing to grow. That puts me at an increased risk of a c-section.
Another thing I forgot to mention is that because I have too much amniotic fluid, I am at risk for preterm labor. I think my stress level has jumped a huge amount since yesterday. It was one thing to just have to think about Samuel, now that I have a major risk involved, ah. So much!!! Really? Can someone handle so much. Pray for us!

Big Belly, Big Belly, Big Belly

2008-09-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

I put the title that way because my belly is HUGE. As of last week I was measuring 3 weeks bigger. Yikes! I am afraid of how big my belly is going to get. I can already barely fit through our back door. In my defense, it has a doggie door, which makes the entire entrance smaller. But honestly, Jeff said my stomach definitely sticks out more than it did with Dawson. I have to agree. I don't remember being this uncomfortable with Dawson. Samuel is just constantly in my rib. Bending down is becoming a challenge. EEk.

So, nighttime is being a dreaded part of my day. I wish I didn't have to sleep and that it would be light all day. Night is just evil. My thoughts just go crazy. I try to relax, but it is such a challenge. I bought some pillow spray that supposedly smells like warm milk and honey. It is suppose to help one relax. I like the smell, but it is not so much helping me feel asleep. I also bought an eye pillow that can be heated up or chilled. It feels pretty nice, but doesn't really help. Unfortunately the only thing that has seemed to work is taking a sleeping pill. I am still open to trying new things. I really hate having to take a pill to go to sleep, but after laying there for so long, one becomes desperate. Grrr.

The weeks are now only single digits away. I can feel my anxiety level rising. The anticipation is hard because it is so unknown. I just have to keep reminding myself, "this is for God's glory, this is for God's glory". I think as the time approaches I struggle more with the questions of God's plan. Just thinking of how it will all play out. Even when I pray I always first ask God for a miracle. In my mind asking for a miracle means completely healing Samuel-making him normal like Dawson was. Then I revert back to , "I mean, God, I ask for your will, whatever that may be". As much as I want God's will to happen, I still want my baby to be completely healed, but at the same time I want it to be God's plan and not mine. So complicated. Luckily I am not the one in control because I really don't know what is best.

It has been awhile!

2008-09-19T19:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since I have updated. Anyway...so I am learning what Braxton Hicks contractions are-yippee. I didn't have any contractions with Dawson-that is until they induced me. Apparently these are very different. I have been consistently having them for the past 3 days now. It has made me really nervous. I went into the doctor today for some peace of mind. The doctor said everything was ok-I am not dilated at all. She said I should just take it easy-ha, that is funny. She said I should put my feet up, relax, and try not to pick up Dawson. Again, funny! I am glad for some peace of mind that these are not labor contractions. I have to admit that I fell apart at the doctors appointment. I was "waiting" (as you know always happens in a doctor's office) and I just started to breakdown. The poor doctor! She walked in and I just started crying. I was saying how I didn't want Samuel to come now because he wasn't ready. If he has any chance of survival he needs to stay in there longer. I was sobbing. Then I started crying because I said I felt fat and then...it was just one thing after another. I was a wreck. Poor doctor. She couldn't do anything until I calmed down. I am "one of those" who make everyone else have late appointments. Well, she was very sweet anyway and reassured me that for now I am not in labor. Whew! By the way she was not my normal doctor.

And on another note. Dawson has turned into a crazy 2.5 year old boy. He has started to talk back or rather repeat whatever I say. For example, I say "Dawson, if you do that again, I am going to put you in timeout.". Then he says (while gritting his teeth), "no, you go in timeout.". Wow! I didn't know 2.5 year olds were like this. I can feel my blood pressure rise when he does this. I think he knows it pushes my button. Again, only 2.5, and he knows how to push my buttons. He is also been like an energizer bunny lately. I need a nap everyday, he somehow doesn't need one. We went to the zoo the other day for 3.5 hours. He didn't even ride in the stroller. He either ran or walked the entire zoo, but still not even for a nap. I wish had his energy-which I am sure a lot of us do.

Again, I want to thank everyone for being so amazing! I can't believe how much I have seen God through this whole situation. We have been blessed beyond belief! I think one of the most amazing things I have seen is God's provision financially. Wow! I am really in awe at how God has used his people to help provide for us. Thank you God. It is so wonderful to have such amazing support from our brothers and sisters in Christ. God's family truly is wonderful and real. I know I use the word amazing a lot, but it is an amazing word!

Doctor Appt today- a glimpse of hope!

2008-09-11T14:33:00.000-07:00

Today Dawson and I went to my OB appt. Just a regular check-up, but I felt some sense of hope at the visit. The doctor said she had talked with the neonatologist after we met with her. My OB just basically said, "hey, it could be better than we think". I don't think she was trying to give us false hope, but just helping us to realize that Samuel may want to survive against the odds that seem so apparent. So, it actually wasn't such a bad thing to go to the doctor today-finally! It was just a slight sense of encouragement, just enough. Although, at the same time, I find it hard to come to terms with the fact that if Samuel does survive, he will would be special needs-to the extreme. Don't get me wrong-I want Samuel to survive, I just know that it will present challenges in our lives that, of course, we were never anticipating. But does anyone really expect that things will go "normal" all the time? No, I don't think so...it is just an adjustment to the lives that WE had planned out-not GOD.

And on a cute note. When we were at the doctor's office today, Dawson brought his doctor's kit. He was checking me out before the doctor got in. He made sure my heart was ok. Then he check my reflexes (ouch, he doesn't quite understand gentle). The entire time I was talking with the doctor, he was giving me shots. It was so cute!

How Blessed!

2008-09-07T19:29:00.000-07:00

Just a couple of things: First, I just want to tell everyone THANK YOU! We are have been showered with so many blessing in so many ways. I can't tell you how much it means just to know that our story is being spread and we are being bathed in prayer. I have to say that we can feel His presence during this difficult time. This makes me more and more encouraged of the goodness of man. I have been learning so many things about God and about people through this experience. I feel my heart has changed for others through this and that I personally am more sympathetic to others in so many ways. As I know you all are-just keep praying. Pray big because God is big.

And another thing:
Psalm 62:5
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him

Visit with Neonatologist

2008-09-05T15:47:00.000-07:00

On thursday, we met with the neonatologist. We weren't really sure what to expect when meeting her, but I think we were hoping for something (even though I am not really sure what that something was). Well, she didn't have much to tell us except "I can tell you when I meet Samuel". Gee, thanks. So, you are saying you don't know. Again, I guess it wasn't surprising, but .... There were a couple good things that came out of our conversation with her. Firstly, I have to admit she was super nice. When I asked her if she had dealt with a baby with similar anomalities, she assured us she had (Encouraging!). When I asked the outcome, she said she saw it both ways-as in the baby not making it and then the baby surviving. She also said that technology is not perfect and that doctors have been wrong. She said sometimes the outcome is worse than we may expect, but sometimes it was better. I think she has been the only person to give us some sliver of hope...that maybe Samuel has some chance (maybe small, but some). I don't feel like she was misleading us or giving us false hope, just letting us know that she has seen it both ways and that ultimately we will know when we meet Samuel. It was also encouraging to know that she will be ready for us and will be there when Samuel is delivered. Once Samuel is delivered-she takes over. Again, we won't know what type of care he will need until then. But, we can think of maybe some things we may want for Samuel and some things we may not want for Samuel. I guess we will just cross that bridge when it comes, but we really can't decide now... So, for now, we will just try to enjoy the pregnancy and love on Samuel.

I hope soon to put new pictures up. I am still figuring out this blog thing.

It has been harder lately.

2008-09-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

The past week has been a little harder for me. I think it is with the changing weather. As I see summer fading away, I get closer to the reality of Samuel's arrival. I am so fearful of the unknown. I just wish the doctors could give me something, but at this point it is just, " I am not really sure what to expect". Again, I try to take it one day at a time. The days have been a little easier than the nights. At least during the day I stay busy-running around doing anything I can think of with Dawson, then taking a nap with him. Naps are such a wonderful thing, especially with my baby. I know these moments with Dawson will only be temporary. Dawson and I sometimes literally just walk around Target (or Walmart) just because I don't want to go home or it makes me do some mindless activity. Dawson quite enjoys it, because we explore the toy the toy section for quite some time. Only problem is-he wants EVERY toy or rather he says he "needs" it. Anyway, nights have been extremely difficult. I have been lying in bed just thinking...thinking of all the plans I had for Samuel and our family. Pondering how Dawson would adjust to be being a big brother. Thinking of our daily lives changing. what I was going to do with the nursery. Yikes. It is so easy to let the mind get out of control. Many nights I have laid there for hours-at last, finally giving my brain a break. Despite this, I still have peace. I am not sure what the peace is in regards to-I guess the situation as a whole-just trusting that God has to be bigger. I have some what put God on the back burner for right now. Not that I am not trusting him or relying on him, but just trying to grasp some things in my head before I go to the Creator. I know he is there when I need Him. Right now, I am just hanging in there-one day at a time.

Ultrasound today.

2008-08-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

Well, today we went to get another ultrasound-28 weeks along. The lady who did the initial ultrasound before the specialist was wonderful. She was the one there when we first found out. She gave us some pictures, which I am so grateful to have and cherish. The specialist came and did a more thorough scan of Samuel-looking in more detail at his mouth, hands, heart, and brain. He is very surprised that everything came back negative from the Baylor labs. He said that when Samuel is delivered we can do some blood work and possibly (still not 100%) find the diagnosis. He also mentioned that this actually could be linked to Jeff and me. It could possibly be a recessive gene that he and I have that could cause this. When Samuel is delivered and bloodwork is done, we should be able to find this information out. Samuel may have an extra finger, but we aren't sure. He also said that Samuel's ear was set lower than normal. Also, Samuel's head is measuring at 32 weeks and I am only 28 weeks along. The doctor said this is due to the extra fluid in his brain. We will have to determine at a later time, if a C-section will be required because of this condition. The doctor also said that, since we were unable to find a diagnosis, that the prognosis is really just a guessing game. We really can't say if he will die immediately, shortly thereafter, in the womb, or maybe a little longer. Basically, we will find out when he comes out of the womb...whether or not he is breathing on his own and can eat on his own. Gosh.... this is a lot to handle.

On a side note, it was really exciting to see Samuel. He wasn't always cooperative with the doctor. He was moving and kicking around a lot. It was kind of fun to see him like that. At the same time, it was a little strange seeing the 3-D images because of the cleft lip and jaw that is set back really far. I guess you just expect that your baby will look perfect. But I guess he is really perfect, because he is our child. It still is hard. This whole situation is really hard to come to terms with. Some days it just seems like a dream.

To come: neonatologist next week, ob in two weeks, ultrasound in 4 weeks. And...who knows what else???

OB appt. today

2008-08-27T13:30:00.000-07:00

Today I went to the OB for my regular check-up. We discussed the "next step". My OB will contact the neonatologist. Then the neonatologist (pediatric specialist) will contact us and we will meet her for an appointment. We will be able to discuss a "game plan" for if Samuel survives. As in-surgeries, feeding, etc. Also, we may be able to get a better prognosis after the neonatologist reviews our case. In the meantime, we wait, again! We have our ultrasound on Friday and then not sure when we get to meet with neonatologist. Otherwise, a healthy pregnancy.

Pictures!

2008-08-23T11:47:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!
My friend Suzy, who is an amazing photographer, has taken some fabulous pictures of Samuel (belly pictures) and of Dawson. You all are welcome to view by going to the website: www.bohemianperspective.com and then going to "client login" in the bottom right hand corner. Then enter the password: Rowbotham (case sensitive). She did a great job and we can't thank her enough. These will be pictures to be cherished for a life time. And she lives in the Springs, so if anyone needs pictures-she is the woman!

On another note. The past couple days have been pretty good. As always, Dawson and I have just been trying to keep busy. We have been watching the Olympics a lot too. Jeff says the Olympics are bad for family values. The reason being that we (Dawson included) have been eating on the couch and staying up late (too late). Oh well, it only happens once every 4 years. Not to mention, Dawson actually seems to enjoy it. Samuel has been quite the active little guy lately. It was been really fun to start to feel him kick me in the ribs (ha!). But just is more evidence that is ok (for now). I kind of wish he could just stay in my belly forever-if that meant that he would stay alive. But, again, I can't predict the future and God is bigger. Just getting to hold him in my arms will be a blessing. That is it. Next week should be a big week-doctors appointment on Wednesday and then ultrasound on Friday. I will keep you posted. Keep praying for a miracle.

Hmmm...

2008-08-20T12:56:00.000-07:00

There are some things in life that I really can trust God in, while there are others that I can't. I have yet to figure out the reason why this is so. I think that with the baby situation I immediately decided to give it over to God. Whereas in other situations in my life, I have first tried to do it myself-trust myself. That is where I went all wrong. Then the situation (whatever it may have been) just continued-never fully being resolved because of my desire to put it in my hands. What I have learned from this: trust God first (it makes things a lot easier), it is never to late to let go and give it to God (he wanted it in the first place), and finally that God can restore what we screwed up (thank goodness). Today has been difficult. Please pray for our family unit. I must learn to see hope in all circumstances.

With God all things are possible.

2008-08-19T10:15:00.001-07:00

I find this hard to understand. Samuel seems so normal-kicking in my belly. But he isn't. Lately I have been struggling with that thought. How it can seem so normal, yet be so abnormal. Again, that is one of those questions that I just have to stop trying to make sense of. I am actually really excited about our ultrasound next Friday. I will be happy to see Samuel-alive and moving around in my belly. I know that I may never meet him alive outside of the womb. Despite this, I still have this sliver of hope-that just maybe when they do the ultrasound he will have a brain and will be healed. I can hope for this, but not expect this. I believe that God can perform miracles today. It may not be his will for Samuel to be healed and to survive very long, but if it is I will be estactic. If it isn't-that is ok too. Again, I will just have to continue to remind myself of God's character and that He knows what is planned for our lives. It is all in the story He has written for our family. At the same time, I will not forget that the impossible is possible with God. Let us not forget that.

Prepare for the worst, Hope for the Best

2008-08-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Psalm 91: 1-4 (New living translation)
Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

Yesterday was a hard day again, for both Jeff and I. On Wednesday we met with a couple who had lost a baby at 28 weeks-reason unknown (they did not know anything was wrong beforehand). It was hard emotionally. At the same time, it was really good to meet with them and encouraging. Encouraging to see hope after such a hard time, being able to have other children, and learning more of the personality of Christ. They gave us great advice that I think will help us in some decisions we need to make. We talked about having a funeral and being prepared for one. Initially, I felt like this was telling Samuel, "I have given up on you". But that is not truth. I think we should prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I don't think this means I am giving up hope on Samuel. Samuel is a fighter. I think he has already fought pretty hard so far. There is no way that I would ever give up hope. With that said, I still want to be real with myself and the reality of the situation. I don't want to give myself false hope.

Anyway, the doctor called today and said that the specialist wants to do another ultrasound at the end of the month. He wants to see how the body is growing. I am not sure the point of this since prognosis is still the same, but whatever, I do want they tell me to do (at least sometimes). We will also be meeting with ob at end of month for regular appointment and to discuss further the results (again, not really sure what to discuss, since they didn't find anything).

Dawson and I have been keeping busy. I have just been trying to keep up with house, but still get out of the house everyday. Dawson took a nap today, so it has been quite nice. I think I will join him. I love him!! He is such a character lately. He has been telling me "you're a crazy driver" and "stop talking to me". These are just some of the aftermaths from mamaw. Yikes!! He is starting to get an attitude...we need to nip this in the butt!

Thanks all for listening. Keep praying. God is big!